The Old w/The Young - Family/Relationships

Before my divorce I used to keep hearing the phrase "it takes a village to raise kids/a kid" but I don't think I actually agree with that premise. I believe even more now with conviction post-divorce and also being born into a semi-large Mexican/Hispanic family. I'm sure if my family reads my blog theres a lot of things they would be shocked to have been reading or to be finding out about one of their family members, since I don't always agree or go along with their mannerisms and/or all of their traditions per say...

After not only knowing instinctually that my two kids are not the same, through the extensive observation I'm noticing and witnessing some of their newly found habits as well as what defines them individually as they continue to grow. I do feel that there basis or the foundation in character and personality stems from their own personal observation of their environment in addition to the solid parent whose been there for it all no matter what - that would be me by the way, in case you couldn't piece that together. Due to their age, I feel this is only contributing to 60% of who they are, 20% comes from their interaction with the world around them whether that be through their school, playdates, social interactions with other kids and their parents, perhaps Sunday church school, Sunday church/Mass, or perhaps directly with their friendships that they've created with other children. The remainder 20% I feel concludes with the adult role models and the adults period that they have exposure to in their outings, setting at home, as well as their social interactions outside the home/family life (whether that's extended and/or immediate and/or both). 

So what does the above paragraph all mean? That it doesn't take a village to raise a child it just helps to have a village in the caretaking of the child so the mother doesn't necessarily go insane! If done right, that is. Otherwise its possible that the "village" you've surrounded yourself in becomes the bad example or worse for your children - they'll end up picking up on really bad habits or perhaps begin reflecting awful character examples as the other adults around them. See for me I think it the oldest members of the family that dictate the vibe of the family, in turn playing an important role in the lives of the children.

By the way, yes the above images are MY personal images taken by my camera and are NOT meant for redistribution nor to be copy/pasted and used elsewhere. I will hunt your ass down if you try to save these images and pass them off as your own!...squirrel and moving on! :)

How your kids see how the oldest members are treated and the relationships that your kids have with them will be a huge contributor to their lives growing up and impact them in a manner which I feel many don't foresee or understand. I know, I know not everyone is as blessed to even have living grandparents or even to have great grandparents alive for that matter; for those that do have grandparents and great grandparents still a part of your families, relish and cherish the moments you have with them because there will come a day in which they will no longer be a part of the pictures...moving on, the kids will notice not only how these eldest members of the family are cared for but how they are talked to, how others in the family see them, and especially how they are all treated. Children are already very observant so them seeing how the adults in the family and how their attitudes are towards these specific family members will play a crucial role in their respect for authority as well as their own emotions towards those members. Again, at least that's what I feel...

See my kids have been very blessed with grandparents and even great grandparents on not only my side of the family but that of my ex husband. However, it is my oldest who has had the most exposure to all generations on both sides of the family, whereas my youngest has only had exposure to my side of the family with minimal to almost none with my ex husbands side of the family. I mention this particular detail because though both my kids were exposed to the wiser family members, my oldest though loving and caring towards her elders (the grandparents and great grandparents) she does only the means of etiquette in being loving, responsive, and in her interaction with her elders where my youngest goes out of her way in caring and being like a nurse/caretaker to the elders in the family, aways checking to see if they are needing or should need anything. Both kids having a healthy and loving exposure to the elders while also both having noticed/witnessed different levels of care for the elders-leading to their own evolving interactions. This I feel and believe to be the start of my kids ability in discerning how they want their relationships to be towards their grandparents and great grandparents as well as also coming to a new sense of understanding to how familial relationships are to continue. You see without this healthy exposure towards the elderly, I feel that the kids may begin or have a minimal percentage of disruption towards the family and all its family members. 

Which leads into the main focus of this post, why I believe with conviction that it does not in fact take a village to raise children/a child. I believe that bonds and healthy role models are what influence, encourage, and mold the little lives that are our children; in retrospect this also doesn't automatically mean it has to be all family members and it doesn't mean that any one specific family member is this for our kid/s. Having family whether extended and/or immediate is helpful to social interactions and balanced relationships for the growth of the child/children I feel that it serves more as a purpose to assist the parents/parent for the caretaking needs  while also assisting parents/a parent so they aren't completely burnt out (whether as a new parent/s or experienced and having their sixth child or something) or struggling with their mental health. Children are already equipped with chameleon like abilities in addition to being resilient so whether a "whole village" is there for the child/children or not they are going to continue day by day regardless of the world and circumstances-its just up to the parent/parents/guardian to ensure the right "world" surrounds them at least until their an adult in the eyes of the law because then they will begin to experience their own journey. We just hope that they allow us to be near by or maintain that open communication when they do so...

Are you close to your grandparents or great grandparents? Or who were you're role models growing up?

Sincerely,

A Distinct Woman 

Don't Create "Jealous" Children - General/Family

I never understood when I used to hear classmates say that they were jealous of their siblings, or when I would see how some parents would make statements like "he/she is always pulling her siblings toys or has these jealous like tantrums-they're just still adjusting to the new sibling" or the "they're just still learning each other and you know boys will be boys" or "she was used to being our only princess so we think its hard on her now with the new sister, I'm sure she'll get used to it..." There's really so many more other statements I've heard but not going to repeat them all! 

What am I getting at you may ask? Simply this, the child adjusting to the new baby is paying attention to YOUR statements and YOUR vibes...so if the siblings begin to have a "jealous streak" it's because of you, the parent! I feel that jealousy among siblings is something that transferred or created by the parent/s not necessarily because the child actually feels that emotion. I'm not saying this is a fact, it's just based off of my observation of other parents and their parenting style in addition to witnessing that of my own household with my kids. You see my oldest was still basically a baby when I was pregnant again, therefore I knew that though my oldest was used to my doting on her and also all my attention focused on her, I decided to try to make a bridge so to speak, between my kids...

I started to have my oldest partake in certain chores with me, so that I was still spending time with her but not necessarily doting time on her. This was a good way to transfer regular house chores into helping me once her sibling came into the picture. Another thing that I feel was important was the invisible bonding that I was trying to bring into play. Once the baby inside me was kicking and you could really feel it placing a hand on my tummy, I started developing these unwinding times with my oldest. Usually before nap time and always before bed, I would make myself comfortable on this one couch in my parents house and have my oldest in the v-of my legs. I would position my oldest in a manner that was comfortable to her and wouldn't put pressure on her sibling inside me! I started noticing a routine during these moments. The baby on the inside at specific moments of laughter would move inside me almost closer to her older sibling. When my oldest would move in a manner that would cause me a slight twinge of discomfort the baby inside would start to kick at the exact location where the older sibling would move her little ahead and get comfortable somewhere else. This was something that continued on until the youngest came out.

So when the baby was born she not only recognized her older siblings voice but always sensed her presence and touch. It was fascinating and spellbinding for me to witness each and every time, hell even to this moment they still do that! 

Granted the first two weeks were a slight hard on my oldest, but the adjustment phase was more due to adjusting to a crying baby when hungry and the new sleep pattern of her mommy! Otherwise the kiddos would gravitate to each other without concern and my oldest was becoming comfortable in her older sibling role! Snuggle time with my oldest she knew we still had but that other times during the day was snuggle time for the three of us. Another example of time spent together without concern would be during breast feeding. I dont know how some women can just whip out a boob and start breast feeding in front of the smaller siblings, first off if they aren't curious or dont even know what's going on with the boobs and boob milk than why the fuck would I want to bring that curiosity on now-I would rather wait until they're at the age where they are understanding better their boobs (well for females anyway). So I managed to cover up adequately during the daily feeding time of the new baby and would have my oldest, again in the v-of my legs, so I could read her books while her baby sibling ate. My oldest never was once asked what I was doing with the baby or why I was awkwardly covered, my oldest was just more excited about reading together and thought that her baby sibling was also listening to. 

I got to watch closely how my ex-husbands upbringing was with one mom, three different father figures, and two siblings from two other dads...I wouldn't say there was jealousy among the brothers but from and outsider looking in, there wasn't a truly nurturing loving bond between all three of those boys. Between watching that dynamic and my never (even to this day) and I mean never having been jealous of my sister-I vowed that I would never be the contributor to that sentiment between my kids...

So I dont know about many of you, but start small and the rewards are great at the end. Don't feed into what everyone in society claims to be "normal" because jealousy among siblings is most definitely not normal. Also make sure to include your oldest child in the chores of what you're doing for the new baby, that way they partake in the time of the parents and dont necessarily feel lonely or that time isn't being spent with them. 

Sincerely,

A Distinct Woman

Whats in The Oven - General

Before any of you ask or think, no I am NOT pregnant :) but I can understand why you may right away think that to be a possibility. Rest assured no baby in my oven :p

No the purpose of this post is all about baking. So todays a Sunday that involves my immediate family and family to our friends house. With that being said I was volunteered for the baking. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it but I’m gluten free, so knowing that their household in kind is also gluten free I was designated to whip up the desserts or “postres” (they are a Latin family so Spanish would be involved through the day and event). The postres were a gluten free chocolate chocolate chip brownie and my experimentally found and now used, blueberry apple cake. 

If you noticed some missing areas I am a baker that likes to quality control before providing :p no comments!

I don’t know about any of you but something so mundane to be is actually the most exciting and calming think I truly love to do. I honestly have no problem when someone volunteers me to bake because it’s soul soothing for me and feel down gives me pleasure to put into the task my touch for someone else to have. I’m no whiz in the kitchen for cooking but I absolutely love to bake! I like the experimenting of ingredients along with the sweetness of the elements used and finding out how to make something gluten free taste delicious. I’m sure many could say, “then do the same with cooking for entrees” but it just isn’t the same…my theory is this: I feel that in providing my creation of a dessert I’ve provided something important with a part of me because it’s the last course of the meal right. I’ll be the last thought the person or people have because of my dessert, and what better way or better thing to do than provide something sweet by not only your ingredients but the “love” you’ve baked into it…

Anyone else feel the same way? No maybe just me- haha might be a possibility. Well anyway! If you ask, I can share a version of the recipe but I’ll admit I go by “feeling” because I don’t always use the same servings for all the ingredients. The only ones that stay constant are the amount of gluten free flour, lactose free milk, and olive/vegetable/avocado oil used. 

Let me know if you have any recipes to share!

Sincerely,

A Distinct Woman 

I Can't Get Anything Done with Kids, True or False? - Family/General

My mother tells me not to use the word "hate" to demonstrate my education and say instead "I strongly dislike"...only probably with that is I feel, it doesn't express exactly how I'm feeling, almost as if I'm censoring it therefore you will see me use "hate". So here we go, the start of some fruits for thoughts!

I hate when individuals who don't have children/have never had kids from infancy to toddler years/never been around young children make statements such as "I'm waiting until I do everything I want to enjoy in life before having kids" or "kids don't leave you time to do anything else at home or with your significant other/spouse." There's also the single individuals who say something like "that's why I'm never having kids because they suck so much of your time so you don't have time for much else" or "that's why I don't have kids because then I wouldn't have enough time for myself" or my favorite one "kids are so complicated and are just too much work, I would rather have a dog." I will be taking the time to break down in response to each of the statements in a numbered fashion. I don't write any of the following to be insulting or to be informally/inconspicuously answering someone who has made the comments to me specifically-just throwing my sentiment out to the world is all.

1)"I'm waiting until I do everything I want to enjoy in life before having kids" - I feel like this one can be tricky and almost a double edged sword. For starters, I commend anyone who wants to accomplish their goals and ambitions in life (lets face it, kids are expensive and you need money to be able to have one) so kudos to you if you're thinking rationally and realistically especially to being a little better off financially; commendable I assure you. However, it's a little warped in thinking-why do I say that you make ask; due to the following. Let's say you everything right in your timeline from after your senior  year graduation (or acquiring your GED) then you hit the college years hard. When I say "hit the college years hard" I don't been at frat houses and sorority parties, I'm talking all you do is academics and graduation on time or even early. You may/may not be lined up for your career path but you're getting that taken care of. Perhaps you meet the love of your life after graduation or during the start of your successful career path, is a family something you're willing to negotiate to have earlier instead of later? I ask that openly because whether people realize or not, the age in which you have your kid/s does play a part in how you enjoy yours kid/s. It doesn't matter how healthy/fit/active a person is your overall energy level before kids you'll quickly find is VERY different post children entering into the world, so whether people notice, if you have kids between 35-40 you may not be as energetic and as patient with your kids (no matter how much you love them) as you may have been when you were younger (because you basically had boat loads of energy to spare!) Please don't misconstrue my age statement being that a person shouldn't have kids after 35 or even after 40, wrong! I have a firm belief that if the universe, Mother Nature, God, etc wants a person to have a child then they will have a child and old age will not be a factor-everything will happen for a reason. Squirrel moment! Everything happening for a reason naturally doesn't mean that you've had a baby created in a lab, dish, or by injection. So when I hear a woman of 40 or 42 whaling because she hasn't had kids - she has the ability to adopt without concern for her health and the universe, Mother Nature, God, etc has decided she will not procreate for the expansion of the human lineage of that DNA/family lineage. I digress and return back to the main point of this numbered item. Or let's say you haven't met the love of your life yet and your way behind in your career goals and life ambitions? Would you just right off having a family altogether or perhaps have no problem having your family until your older than even you're anticipated? Would you be able to or at least open minded about amending your "family planning" timing if you are further along in your goals and ambitions so that you can enjoy your family as well?

I had a "Life Plan" when I was in high school but that was nothing like how things turned out in life. Granted it was due to my life choices but I wouldn't go back and change anything!...I will personally admit that I was not prepared for the news of motherhood, but I have to say because of my concentration on all my goals and ambitions as well as enjoying my life, I did everything I needed to do in life before the birth of my first child. I will say there are still many things I WANT TO DO, but just because I have kids doesn't mean I can't still to them. Some I will be able to enjoy now with my kids if I play my cards right and others I can still do when they get older. So if someone puts into their head such negativity than that's exactly the type of negativity someone will interpret from a statement like this or worse, because you feel such negativity your kids (trust me) will "feel" that negativity from you as well...guess this paragraph also ties into the next numbered statement.

2) "kids don't leave you time to do anything else at home or with your significant other/spouse." - Ok this one I feel if a person isn't the type of individual who is creative or a "go-getter" (meaning that they will persevere to get what they want or to accomplish a task) then this statement will begin to ring true in your marriage/relationship with your significant other and it's NOT the kid/s fault. You look at older generational couples who had kids or a multitude of kids and they wouldn't have even had this thought because of their upbringing and the time periods; I think (also noticed through observation) that some newer aged couples have the right idea regarding having kids and still having that "spark" in their married lives. Whether it's your's first child or your sixth child, you should and always can dedicate time back to your spouse/significant other. Unless you completely out in the boonies and have literally no living relative within the vicinity or perhaps even in the same state, then yes I can believe and understand the predicament in trying to put time back into being a couple; otherwise nothing is impossible. I commend the couples who are dedicated to each other if not more, after having kids. I mean kids are important and they come first (at least until they're out of your house) but if couples don't continue to explore each other even as kids are growing than I feel that it may be harder for them to interact again by themselves when they are empty nesters. That was one thing I appreciated from my ex-husband (even if done more for selfish reasons or gains on his part), he may have not put our kids and I first but he tried a few times to coordinate "date nights" with my sister and mom - so that they would take care of my oldest while him and I went out; too bad that was also pretty short lived but that's a moot point. If you notice I didn't say that it wouldn't take some effort to extra time/energy on the couples part to make things work after having kids and during their lifespan but hey that's kind of the given when you have a kid. 

On a side note, unless someone has twins or more than twins I can't comprehend or understand when anyone (especially a mom, since I am - been there and done that) states that they don't have time to get anything done at home or that they don't have time for anything. Granted I know that every child is different BUT how you treat your pregnancy is how your child/children will be when they pop out. That's another post for another day...anyway! Take away the month or two that someone helps/assists you, you'll have adapted or hopefully created a schedule - this is especially for you moms - where you have gaged how your childs days and nights will be like. So you can either be creative with your "me" time or the time you want to dedicate for yourself. What I mean about creative can be explained better with my own testimony of what I did. My oldest was great at her naps (actually both my kids were) so I knew that I could either do a good chore that I knew would take me time to complete, or perhaps finally take that longer shower (since I would have the baby monitor screen next to my shower stall, OR even better I would catch up on some much needed snooze time. So with every nap I would alternate one of the three things I mentioned above, therefore wouldn't feel overwhelmed and on the contrary would feel accomplished even while taking care of my kiddos! Ok you nay sayers or anyone who had a baby/child who is attached to your chest/hip/arms and you feel you can't get anything done! The creativity there is through another personal testimony of what I used to do with my youngest. Was more needy for kangaroo time with anyone so leaving my youngest down for naps during the day was harder for me the second go round (granted the nights were still rocking awesome like her sibling before her) the days were a little different. I did a lot of research on specific body straps and finally found one I liked for both her AND I (cause it's not always about the baby features specifically but how the items use will also assist you as the parent and the body that's carrying the stress/load). Bought one on Amazon and gave it a whirl; had secure and great straps with a superb back support for the weight while having the holding straps and cradled area for the baby snug, safe, all while having the cushion to alleviate the pressure and circulation for the little baby legs. I know it's a lot of explanation and probably not the best description for a visual, but don't worry on another post I'm going to write about that awesome buy! Moving on-so finally seeing its use with my youngest I was finally able to do anything while she napped, even vacuuming/mopping/sweeping among the chores.

In hindsight, I followed suit with my youngest the same things that I would do with my oldest. You see I would (and still do) incorporate my oldest to be involved (whether directly or indirectly) with anything I was doing and especially chores (whether outside or inside). For example, when I was in the kitchen my oldest would help me prep while the youngest being in the highchair, had toys to entertain or nibble on while having the best vantage point of my oldest and I so that her intelligent and absorbing eyes would absorb what was going on. Now both of them being older are so cute because they'll offer to help with little things here and there that they've seen me do or have helped me do. The point is to submerge them in their surroundings and daily homelife and they'll become smiley confidant little beings! I can attest to this because this is one of my favorite moments in the picture; my father was working on his vehicle while I was checking on the dogs and wanting to get a walk in so I thought to take my daughter outside with me. She thought she was helping my father when she grabbed a tool-we let her tinker with it for a little bit then I wiped her hands clean and let her explore the garage and saw how far she would try to test her little boundaries. 

I won't lie to any newbie parent and say it's easy, but oh how bittersweet your days are and the feeling you have when you witness your little one/s growth...So parents unless you've exhausted all methods and even brain cells I suggest you DO NOT give off bad or complicated vibes towards others who may want kinds or in general to the general public because it's really unjust towards your offspring :p 

3) "that's why I'm never having kids because they suck so much of your time so you don't have time for much else" or "that's why I don't have kids because then I wouldn't have enough time for myself" - I write about this particular statement here but when faced with someone who says this out loud to me or in front of me I just smile and shrug with a response of my own saying, "hey to each their own, not everyone is cut out to have kids, heck some people in this world really shouldn't have kids." I mean what's the point in any further dialogue with a person like this?...either that's their true thought because they internally feel they wouldn't fit the mold as a parent from beginning to end (meaning whether its their biological child/ren or perhaps from a previous relationship and they are just accepting of their new partners kid/s) OR and I truly think this is the main reason almost 98% of the time, they're individuals who have not matured enough/not mature at all to realize the compromising nature of any relationship whether romantic/familial and that extends to your offspring/next of kin. Compromising doesn't stop when you meet you significant other it continues ten fold when you have kids. 

SO to bring this all to a close...I feel that in order to have kids its not just a calling and vocation (for the religious believers) but a person or the couple must have a need, desire, passion, and wanting (for all the non-religious individuals) to successfully go through the motions and the daily life choice of being a parent. Parenting is also like the vows you take in matrimony, through sickness and in health, through the thick and the thin, and through the strongest of waves/obstacles you have to always be involved 200% not 90% or 50% but 200%! I say 200% because you need to stay ahead of the curve in everything your child does and in their development otherwise you're in for some shockers along the way. Correction, you're always going to have some shocker moments with your child/children it's just a matter of how your recover and keep pushing forward. It's the most important career choice you'll ever do in your entire lifetime. 

Sincerely,

A Distinct Woman 

Breastfeeding Your Baby (it’s not easy) - Family Life

I had originally written this post a few years back when I had just had my second daughter, so I had to do some revisions as well as adding more to the original post. This post started about three weeks after having my second daughter. The original post will be centered where the additional information will be shown as left aligned. I hope you like this one because it was written with the emotions I had then (in that moment) with a little more emotions now in reminiscing…

The nights seem to be shorter than ever; I wouldn't say its necessarily because its more tiring but it really oddly does feel like the days have seemed to be dragging out a lot now. I guess I shouldn’t complain though since it gives me so much daylight with both my girls. The youngest is growing expeditiously, it seems almost impossible to tell that she's still a newborn baby meanwhile my oldest daughter is trying to cope with the new changes going on in her life. Specifically being that Mommy is resting a lot and not doing as many things with her throughout the day as before; I've forced myself to be moving around probably more than I should because I know my oldest needs me. Breast feeding has been going well and the little one’s appetite continues to grow every day. She’s really been working herself a little more here and there to her feeding needing to transition into milk that’s more substantial. It's amazing to notice all of the changes in my girls and within myself, but more importantly the changes from being a mom the first get go to being a mom the second time around. What do I mean? 

So the nights during my first daughter’s new life was a lot more exhausting, for lack of a better way to explain it. I'm going to deduce that the reason for that during my first daughter’s feeding was more because of the stress I was under and also the overall recovery from the surgery itself. Therefore nightly feedings then were more groggy and tended to entail more sleep throughout the night. I vividly remember always needing help; whether it was my mother getting the milk ready or doing the feeding herself while I was the one doing the milk prepping. Other nights I couldn't do either because I might've pushed myself harder through the day and I was just too exhausted at night; that's when my mom would do everything for the feeding time herself. See it was a little bit after arriving home from the hospital that I got to really begin breast feeding my oldest; sadly though because of the delivery I didn’t have the most memorable of feedings since it involved a rented out breast pump and I was nowhere near to producing the breast milk my baby needed. Formula was going to have to be used early on for her…

You see, the day I was to be discharged from the hospital they told me, that because of the magnesium that was used during my emergency c-section, the milk production wasn’t going to be the same or as usual for me and my daughter-but for me to not worry that babies thrive without concern even if little to no breastmilk is provided to them. That every drop I would give my daughter was necessary and vital for her growth, immunity, and for my continual milk production. For my health and well being I needed to get all the milk I would produce out as well, otherwise I could risk some health concerns in my breasts if I didn't. I don’t know how many reading are moms who have had a similar occurrence or have been told worse; perhaps know someone who’s gone through that but even after all the emotional roll-a-coaster I had nothing could keep my heart from dropping all over again. I felt a little bit like a zombie as everything was being explained to me. I mean what else could I do right?…I remember the moment the lactation nurse left, my tears I held in check finally fell down my cheeks. I had already gone through so much emotionally with the birth and the both of our physical healing post-partum, why couldn't it get a little easier now that the worst was over for both of us...I went into the bathroom in the hospital recovery room to gather myself because I know that my little one would be arriving and my family would be soon in my room too. To ensure that I would do as instructed I ended up renting a breast pump machine to take home. No matter the stories of all the women before you (of for those of you who bothered reading any of those maternity books because I definitely didn't), nothing and no one prepares you for the heart wrenching feeling you have as a new mom who can't feed her baby...I used to have countless feeding times or the times on the breast pump where I would cry in silence because I felt like I was only providing, not even half, of what my baby really needed from me. My oldest, to young and too soon got accustomed to baby formula. It wasn't until her three month check up that the pediatrician really explained to me how vital a mother's breast milk was to the newborn regardless of it's quantity, as long as it was directly coming from me. 

This time around I guess you could say that I'm actually enjoying the afterglow of pregnancy and post delivery. Yes I'm exhausted but I'm also euphoric because this time around I'm partaking in more things that unfortunately I wasn't able to fully enjoy or appreciate until it was already too late with my oldest, post delivery. Night feedings with my oldest didn't last long because she would be more full due to the formula milk so that in turn put her into a steady schedule for sleeping through the night from a month on. Granted this time around I don't get to sleep as much during the night because my youngest is always hungry and my milk production continues for her. But whether my youngest or oldest, I have to say there is something truly enchanting when you see this new baby's eyes looking up at you around 2am in the morning...Her trusting eyes look at me knowing that there's some kind of time difference for her compared to the day, but there's so much unknown trust and love for you as she's looking at you. No one can can begin to fathom unless or until they have their child in their arms. There were minimal or more like close to no "hard nights" as many other women say or tell. I was blessed with the wisdom my mother and grandmother gave me, so both my daughters have been sleeping beautifully through the night. Although, I can probably count on one hand the difficult nights that I had with both of them. That's when it hit me, to write about one of the few occurrences where it was both hard and emotional for me...

One night (about a month and a half after my youngest's birth) it was the feeding time for my youngest. My mother had already helped so much and I frankly didn't feel like waking up ex husband (now anyway because we were married at that time) because I didn't feel like dealing with his half efforts. If you're thinking or asking, yes he was helpful to a very small extent; he would do something than either go back to sleep or he would be half asleep doing something that I needed done five minutes ago (men when they try, they just need to frankly try harder-no offense guys). My newest little one was wailing her head off she was  so hungry, so I tried to make sure that she wasn't waking anyone up...My little one apparently woke up with a tummy who was starving! So I wasn't able to pump the milk in advance as I was usually doing, so out came out the breast and I began to breast fed her straight. I automatically knew in that moment that it wasn't going to be an easy feeding time for her and that I would have to war up a formula milk to "top her off". However, that didn't help in my already over stressed like feeling from earlier that week. I was so stressed that week so my milk production wasn't that high as normal. The moment I was adjusting myself in the sitting position, her little mouth on my breast was dislodged from it's location; so the moment I took baby girl away from my breast she started to cry. I quickly made sure that all doors were closed and that the people I didn't want to wake up wouldn't be awoken by her cry's. I started to warm up the milk and my baby kept wailing out loud, everything that would help her for a bit didn't help. 

She was inconsolable even the moment that the milk bottle was ready. I had to try to calm her before even giving her the bottle so that she would take it. I remember that I started to tear up, that I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks as I watched her finally suckling on the bottle nipple. I began to cry harder as I caressed the right side of her face while she ate. I started imagining the moms with no help or assistance from anyone/family...I started thinking about the women who were as surprised as I was when I was first pregnant - you don't really know what to do...How they must feel in their desperation to console and provide for the baby but feel has if they have nothing to offer due to the circumstances. 

I hope that someone gives them the support they need. That someone can give them hope. That someone can tell them, it's ok. It's hard but it's ok. You're doing the best that you could be doing and don't think that it isn't enough! I couldn't help but cry more on thinking how difficult it could or must feel for a mom who can't produce breast milk and instead spends so much money on formula. I hope and pray for the women, who doesn't get to feel the most intimate of moments with your baby as you breast feed them-it's ok if you didn't or don't-it doesn't make you less of a mom and your baby knows you love them. I pray for the moms who do it alone-that they can find hope and know their rainbows will come and the hard days will walk hand in hand with the good. I hope that the moms who've loved and lost their little ones-without experiencing the full extents of motherhood-know that you're baby is in a beautiful place and there's nothing wrong with still remembering them, it wasn't anything that you did wrong...for the moms who see no hope in conception, there's always adoption-so many children who have always wished for the warm embrace of a loving parent, they may be the perfect fit for you. In general, moms need hope, love, support, and a caring touch too...

Sincerely,

A Distinct Woman

A Crying Scare

I've been through different things and different levels of emotions in my life but nothing compared to what I felt during the night, three days before I delivered by second daughter. You see, my original due date was basically the first week in July, but instead because of healthy precautions that my doctor was taking, we were going to deliver close to the July date designated, but not at the forty week mark. Therefore I felt that I physically had enough time to prepare for the delivery. Boy was I ever wrong!

The year 2018 and the Friday before I delivered my second daughter, I was already oddly in pain and feeling a variety of unknown physical variables-many of which weren't anything I had known or ever experienced with my first daughter. I was physically exhausted and felt more heavy than any other day during the pregnancy, I was waddling uncontrollably, my back was hurting from the weight of the baby, I was feeling nothing close to Braxton hicks (as I had experiences with my first) but full on contractions - definitely more painful and persistent where nothing was making them go away- and then finally twice I thought my water had broke. Because of my oldest and I know my not completing what I thought would help prepare the arrival of her sister, I went about my day until I knew for sure that the contractions were close enough together to warrant going into the hospital. So my day continued on like any other with my mom and my oldest daughter...I will admit though that I was definitely even more moody that day. Deciding to let my husband (at that time as he is now my ex-husband) finish up working on his truck without us women around, my mom and I had decided to go visit my aunt and cousins that weren't far from the house. He was tinkering on his truck again and I didn’t know what for this round since it was another new truck and there wasn’t anything wrong that I was made aware of…apologies squirrel moment and I digress…So the afternoon and evening was spent with my cousins at my aunts house. I remember that at one point I had to tell my aunt how I was feeling so I could have some assistance if needed, without the panic or concern mode I knew my mom would go into.

Well the day finally ended and the evening  routine began-prepping my eldest for bed. After she was ready for bed I then proceeded to do my own nightly ritual; fixing the bed, washing my face, brushing my teeth, then fixing both my daughters bed and then our bedroom bed. I was still feeling odd or off whack, for lack of a better term, and even my oldest daughter started to act funny...she became uncontrollably clingy to me, that any movement I made from trying to rock her to sleep and leave, she would quickly awaken and try to get me to stay. I then took her into our bedroom to our bed…after a few minutes and thinking that she was peacefully and deeply asleep, she once again awoke to grab my hand while crying so I could stay, her realizing that my breath wasn't near her head/face; my husband couldn't even console or help her but it was getting to the point of my not even able to get up from bed to use the bathroom! So in order for me to have gone to the bathroom I had to literally go downstairs to the first floor and hand her to my mother while I used the bathroom; that was the only thing that would console her and give her comfort. My mother was the only person that she was able to calmly be with while she wasn't with me. Then when I was out of the bathroom and headed to bed, I had to have her with me and falling asleep with me...and that's where she stayed until about 1:15am. At 1:15am I had to move to the guest bedroom bed because between both my husband and oldest daughter, I was being kicked out of the bed! Thankfully my oldest was in deep REM sleep so my departure didn’t disturb her. At that moment I still felt my baby belly move or shift around, while walking to the guest bedroom and settled in a comfortable spot to fall asleep and rest…after of course relieving myself again in the bathroom. Prego women out there know exactly how annoying this part can be 😋

I oddly woke up again around 2:30am because I felt the sensation of needing to use the bathroom again. So there I go, big belly and all, when I noticed as I made my way back to bed that the baby hadn't budged or shifted as she usually did when I would use the bathroom. I made a mental note and then tucked myself in bed (more like rolly pollied my way back into the bed and fixed myself into what was the most comfortable position possible and tried to go back to sleep; except when I would rub my belly, the baby was still not making any movement. She would usually nudge me in someway when I would rub my belly and she wasn't doing it at all. I stayed calm thinking that maybe it was just my overall panic of the delivery date being close by, financial stress already, the fact that I thought I had my water broken since earlier, etc. I could even almost hear a doctor and my husbands voice in my head saying “babies in the belly fall asleep too”, but this was also intuitive for me, my mom had always reinforced to trust my instincts pre pregnancies and especially post. So my first goal was to stay calm, so I closed my eyes and tried to drift off to sleep. I felt myself moving or more like shifting positions in bed, so my hands veered back to rub my belly and still no movement...I tried gently nudging my stomach and still nothing. Everything and anything I did that would usually make the baby move wasn't working and the baby wasn't moving at all, nor any butterfly sensations of any kind. What felt like hours was only twenty seven minutes later and an emergency phone call to the doctor on call from my OBGYN office. I continued to try everything to make the baby move and when still nothing, I don’t remember how but I felt tears streaming down my face as I quietly cried, while walking to our bedroom to wake my husband. I walked towards his side of the bed and nudged him awake as I felt the hot tears rolling down my cheeks more and started whispering to him what was happening, so as not to wake our oldest sleeping in our bed. My husband tried to calm me down and then proceeded to do his things that would usually annoy or make the baby move and even his touches wouldn't do it! No reaction from within on the baby’s part. He finally just said for us to get ready and go to Labor and Delivery. I knew what that meant, money we didn't have for expenses we couldn't afford at this time, and my thoughts were going to the worst scenarios of what was going on in my stomach; so I couldn't help but begin to pray like crazy!

I started to change into my "check in clothes" even though I was having contraction pains, grabbed my "overnight bag" for the delivery scenario option just in case, then fixed the bed with our oldest daughter still sleeping, when my husband came quickly back upstairs to our bedroom to let me know that he had woken up my mother and was getting the truck ready with the binder we would need for the hospital. I started to tear up even more knowing I was leaving one little one while being cornered for the other little one...my mom gave me a quick blessing and then my husband and I headed out the door to the hospital. Thankfully a healthy second daughter was born almost three days later.

What’s the point of this story you may ask? The point is, whether it’s your first pregnancy or your 20th pregnancy, trust your instincts as a mom and/or mom to be because it’s the start of knowing how to be proactive where your kid/s safety, health, growth, and overall well-being is concerned. If you don’t know how to interpret those “spider senses” the pregnancy is a good start to understanding and “reading” those instinctual sensations you have.  

Sincerely,

A Distinct Woman

Art and Crafts Outside - Family Life

This post is meant to correlate to a previous post I wrote, regarding gardening ideas. I mean what better way to spend quality time with your kids while it’s also an educational piece, if not when gardening. 

I don’t think I’ve met a child under the age of 10 who doesn’t like playing with dirt - oh who are we kidding I don’t believe any of us ever get tired of playing with dirt! With that being said why not spend some time with your kids outdoors by having them help you garden. Teach them about the plants that you’re planting, have them help you in fixing the planters and placing the plants in each planter, to fill them with water after putting the necessary plant feed, then fixing their location where they are to grow. Kids are hungry for attention but they’re hungrier for the compliments/satisfactory praise from their parents especially knowing that they’ve accomplished something and have it to show for. You can even make it into a multiple part activity, like I did for my daughters.

Part one was to literally have a shopping trip with my daughters to gather all of the supplies with some brainstorming creative ideas for the planters and future gardening expansion. Part two involved picking an afternoon with nice weather to be able to spend the afternoon with the tasks. Made sure my daughters were in comfy and athletic clothes without concern of getting dirty or messed up (while still looking cute of course :p ). I was happy that I managed to pick the perfect day to plant and be outside with them and the entire time it was smiles, laughing, and playing with dirt! Although I’ll admit that I didn’t think the entire arts and crafts portion, this part make sure you do before the planting of your plants :) Our part three entailed the official arts and crafts time and it was on a separate day. Even if they weren’t as actively participating in this part as they were in part two, they still did some painting, drawing,  and spent more time outdoors with mommy. 

So always remember that even the smallest of moments with your kiddos making them laugh and smile will be their memories for a lifetime… 

Sincerely,

A Distinct Woman