Family Boundaries/Rules/Respect & Motherhood (October in 2017) Pt 1 - General/Family Life/Relationships

When I had originally created this post, my goal was to share a testimony to other ladies of how your spouse/partner shouldn’t handle things in addition to providing enlightenment of what should NOT be tolerated. I was reflective and striving to write something void of emotion and just telling a story AND describing/conveying emotion. So, trying to keep the original content in place the text that’s bolded are what I’ve now added or created.

Family Boundaries/Rules/Respect & Motherhood (October in 2017)

This month was a mixture of emotions, as it was not only my daughter’s birthday month but evidently also my husband's mother's wedding. You might very well be assuming that the mixture of emotions is all more in the context of joy, tears of joy, and good memories - but sadly its WAY worse and nothing close to joy. Allow me to start…

My oldest will be turning one and I had thought about throwing a birthday party but then, realistically she won't care nor will she remember the event due to the age in which she would be turning. Some people might enjoy planning out and spending money or a good amount of money on their child's first birthday, however I think it's a little pointless. As I have previously stated in another post, the one year old won't be remembering their birthday and will only be able to rely on pictures (if even developed or placed into an album for them to view); so why would you go through the elaborate birthday cake and planning of specifics when the event/party is more for the adults than the child, let’s be honest. Whether society realizes this fact or not, to each their own, but your child won't think or feel any better or worse towards you regardless of what they do for their first birthday. So, in my mind I felt that something more heartfelt and meaningful for a little girl and her birthday, would be to receive also something heartfelt and meaningful. I had already created for my daughter a little keepsake box for her special things, firsts, and cards-this would be something she can look through for herself when she's of an adequate age. This keepsake box would play a role in what she would be getting for her first birthday from the entire family. I took the time, over a course of two months, to create and make an hour’s video of my daughter's first year of life, which would in turn be a gift to everyone in the family along with a letter. The letter with this DVD of her first year of life had instructions on what they should give my daughter for her first birthday. Obviously, anyone could give her more or in addition to something else (meaning something tangible such as toys, clothes, etc.) but the purpose was for everyone to write her a letter that she would open when she's twelve; a sort of written now for her future self from her family members. Considering that I'm playing catch up on posts, let's just say that to this day I've not received a single letter from anyone (not even from my side of the family) ...still disappointed every time I think about it but anyway!

To make matters worse my daughter was still ill (so was I) from having been sick for almost two weeks prior; so even if I had wanted to just do something small I couldn’t. In addition, my husband (at the time) and my traveling plans were put on hold for October because of how sick we got and what it entailed but more importantly what transpired from it (hence the plentiful array of bad emotions).

A little detour and backstory: When I had met my husband and we started dating, we had at least a good two full days of conversation about family ideologies and what we envisioned a family should be as well as looking/conversing about our own families (I made note of things like a hawk). I remember writing my notes and being shocked at how un-feeling he talked about his mom-it's what would make me think twice about my relationship with him; you know, "how a man treats his mom is how he'll treat his wife" generally speaking of course because it’s also not the case. Well in this case it's more like, "how he talks about his mom is how he'll talk about his wife" no matter how well the woman really is. He talked about her relationships and how he had to help her a few times because she didn't always know how to pick them, or she would live with one guy and then another in the next relationship. At one point I remember right after our date how disrespectful he had spoken of his mom and the name he had called her. He said, "it's sad to say and a bad word to use but that's how my mom is. She's nice and loves her parents but when it comes to relationships and my mom...she is one of those people." I remember before I had officially met his mom that if he said she was coming to "visit him" I soon realized it wasn't to actually spend time with my husband, but more for her convenience to the fact that she wanted to go out to the bar or meet someone (meaning either had a date or was meeting with another girlfriend in the Dallas area.) Basically, somewhere free to stay so she didn't have to pay for a hotel. Hadn't even met the woman and I was already not having a good feeling in my stomach...I remember always taking mental notes because since the first day I had met his grandparents (his maternal grandmother and the grandmother’s husband), my husband always seemed to have a soft change in demeanor and stance when it came to those older individuals; altogether a different way about his grandparents that he was comfortable and at ease. He was more himself and it showed. Even meeting the Grandmother I knew that I would be able to communicate and get along with her; maybe but heads on ideas if that came up but regardless, she seemed to know where responsibilities and priorities lay-well to an extent.

Why do I mention all this? It provides the roots to why I felt and reacted the way and in the mannerisms I did. I mean my husband’s mother would be entering into her third marriage, with a man that she had dated for about a year and were already living together for at least off and on (because she still had her place) for about maybe four months prior to the wedding. By Labor Day weekend after my husband and my wedding, they were engaged and did everything in a month to get married in October, all in the same year. I’ll also nip in the butt any of you weirdos thinking I was jealous of my husbands mother OR of her marriage-I can hold my hand on the Bible and even have my other hand in the fire and know I’m saying the truth with my response of “I was never jealous nor did I ever feel that she was ‘stealing my wedding thunder” considering the coincidental timeframe of it all. So now that I’ve answered you on that, moving on!

My daughter wasn’t walking yet as she was months only (thankfully in my mind) and my husband’s mother had openly mentioned to us (my husband and I) how she would have loved to have our daughter as her flower girl. One mention with my present and the remainder conversations of his mother’s impromptu and whirlwind wedding was typically discussed via phone and only with my husband it seems or in general the “organizing” was being done all via phone. There was one specific conversation I remember my husband telling me which was in regards to his mom having a hard time choosing who to walk her down the aisle as her father would be there but her mom's husband was also a huge father figure and presence in her life; to my knowledge and understanding before we even ended up traveling to Shreveport, was that my husband’s mother had decided she would be walking down the aisle by herself because she didn't want to choose between her sons either on who would be walking her down the aisle. For a slight minute or at least on hearing that relayed story, I was proud of the woman’s sense and consideration.

The first week of October arrived and at the beginning of the week (prior to the wedding weekend) my little one went from healthy and fine to sick with a high fever. The moment I saw that six hours into a day had still not taken away her fever, but it was erratic I knew that whatever was ailing her was going to take its course and it was going to be a hard one. I mentioned to my husband, "you need to let your family know already that our daughter is getting sick, in case we won't make it to the wedding." His response was nonchalant and dismissive with a "we'll see how she is tomorrow and then I'll let them know, there's still plenty of time for her to get better and we can still leave.” I held my momma bear temper reaction in check and agreed with him. Into that night after the good thirteen hour day had passed, I kept watch and was vigilant of our daughter as her mood had already begun to change; her demeanor wasn't as giddy or chipper or remotely half of what her typical energy is - and if anyone knows my daughter then they know when she shows that many changes somethings not right. It was already a long day with Tylenol not helping and her doing her best to fight whatever it was, to top it off because of my vigilance of her I woke up feeling off, in fear of not enough rest I started the quick home remedies to prevent getting sick myself and trying to stay ahead of a curve that might be thrown my way. My husband seemed still adamant on ensuring our presence and attendance to the wedding regardless as I was relaying to him how the little one was doing. His reaction and response made me tighten my lip about myself, so I wasn't going to mention to him that I was feeling off yet until I knew for sure I was getting sick instead of maybe just being tired from caring for the little one. My minor concern (more so because I’m a woman of my word) was that I had offered to be the photographer at my husband’s mother's wedding-I figured I could tackle that dilemma later should it be an issue.

My daughter didn't have a fever anymore (thank goodness) BUT she was tired from her running nose, congestion, coughing, and just wanted mommy most of the time. Unfortunately, I was already starting to feel like she did - sick and miserable but noticing that my husband wasn't taking care of us nor trying to help more at home for both our sakes and seemed to only be treating out symptoms to get things over with; "just give her this and she should be better, she should be fine tomorrow after taking this..." I remember so vividly that I wanted to punch him in the face and say "get out" a few times. I saw him not taking care of us just "watching over us" and that was my last straw because we weren’t improving and began to ask me questions about the trip! I took the initiative and group messaged via text his mother and grandmother letting them know that my baby wasn't well at all and I wasn't going to be risking her health, especially on a trip where other people would be present (more germs and pollen and heat). The second ironic occurrence (and my belief of a sign to not attend this wedding) was that during all of this with the little one being sick and my trying not to be sick, my husband’s mother and I were in a conflict of sorts-a conflict I might add that SHE began because she made an inaccurate and false accusation based on an assumption.

You see also prior to this upcoming wedding weekend to take place, apparently my husband’s mother stated that she didn't need gifts she was only wanting for her family to attend church with her and her soon to be new husband come Sunday morning after their Saturday wedding. I kept my rude and snarky comments to myself at that time and didn't mention to my husband what I was thinking because there wasn't a need to. Yet I thought it comical that she wanted to not only attend church on Sunday but to make sure her family was there, when she's never done that on a regular normal Sunday "service" day, either when in town or out of town and throughout the entire upbringing of her three sons from three different men...her three sons have stated to me (including her own mother) that she had never been consistent with her faith or attendance to church. I believe that religion and faith are a must in life and that's fine if a woman who was never adamant about it before wants to be now, however you can't all of a sudden expect this of your family or at least of the son whose wife has explained that doesn't and can't attend service outside of her faith and beliefs. Hey if the woman was turning over a new leaf GREAT! Good for her, but build your faith life and it’s consistency before you going on dragging family to your requests…My husband’s expression when he had vocalized his mother's request to me was joyful so I said nothing at the time and just commented, "that's nice, we will just have to coordinate because remember I have to attend Mass first especially if we're going to be going with them to her church service." His response was complacent with a "I know and that's fine, I'll just let my mom know. I don't know why you have to but that's fine." So, to make sure that we had the details in ADVANCE and I could plan accordingly (even though I was also still having a sick baby) on what Mass my daughter and I would attend before her church service with the family.

Her and I were in communication via text but I made the error of typing and forwarding information to who I thought was my husband, on the details of what I had coordinated with his mother. The error wasn't in ANYTHING stated or mentioned in the text (except for a line that stated I was finishing a bowel movement in the restroom) it was in the who, of where the text got sent to; his mother. Realizing my error I sent it to my husband right after and thought everything was fine, until about five minutes after a received a curt text from my husband’s mother stating how I shouldn't gossip or talk about her to another person and if I was then to make sure who it was being sent to. So, the drama began...that entire day was ruined because of a woman's ill accusation from an assumption, and her own low self-esteem and selfish self-image (to be quite frank). I responded stating exactly what had happened and that I had never talked about her to anyone nor did I ever gossip about anyone nor would I start. She never responded. Twenty minutes later, when my husband, our daughter, and I are loaded into the vehicle to enjoy our day, my husband’s mother calls him directly. She's apparently crying and telling him what occurred, I hear him state "no mom you're not a bad mother or grandmother" (which is open to opinion if you ask me) then hangs up a few minutes after that. I figured she was just venting to her son but the moment he states, not asks or questions to find out the details; just blatantly states, "so you apparently were talking bad about my mom to someone else and accidentally sent it to her directly." Our argument ensued right after that, (thankfully our daughter was already asleep in her car seat since she had meds) because I had already told him before we left the house what had happened but he all of a sudden forgot the moment his mommy calls crying, then he also forgets that HE was the one who told me, "don't worry about it babe, my mom can be dramatic and sometimes a drama queen and you didn't do anything wrong so don't worry about it. Let's go enjoy our day." Towards the end of our argument, I just simply said, "I sent you the snapshots of your mother and my texts, so you have it on record what was said. Also, if you read it, nowhere in that text is there anything negative about your mother AND on another note what does her accusation about me have anything to do with being a bad mother or grandmother?" My husband looked at his phone, while driving, at the images I had sent him then shakes his head and says, "yea don't worry about it I don't know where my mom is going with that."

How was I supposed to enjoy any day when my daughters sick but we’re seeing how her energy is at HIS demand, I’m under the weather, and the frosting on top right now is that now I’m being accused of not being a good Christian woman. I decided to provide the closure that maybe, I thought, my husband’s mother needed. I sent a simple, respectful, and precise text that stated I apologized for any hurt feelings as that wasn't the intention but as she could see if she re-read the texts I sent that I was never speaking ill of her in any way. Shoot, if I really was a bad woman I would spill the beans of how the entire time I was dating her son and even before we got married, I was the one telling him "be respectful to your mom, have you talked to your mom to see how she's doing, or don't answer or talk about your mom like that-she's still your mom regardless of her life choices (these last words are the ones my husband likes to use now when convenient for him in regards to his own disagreement/s with his mother);  this new found respect or "soft" side towards his mother was something I vocalized to him that I guess he’s doing because of our daughter perhaps, who knows!

We went about our day only to find about two hours later a long ass text from my husband’s mother on received. She went on and on about how her feelings were hurt and that she knew she’d made errors and that I may not like her as well as have made comments in the past that hurt her feelings, but that I shouldn't judge her. After reading it all and before my response I was literally baffled and said out loud "what the fuck?" My husband heard me astonished that I would even curse that word and especially in front of our daughter (as I've always been big on NO curse words since I was dating him). I told him and showed him her text stating, "what the hell is she even talking about? All of that from a simple coordination text this morning?!" My husband (with the male mind he has) just said for me to let it go or that it would just blow over after the wedding; him not realizing that not responding would either issue another false accusation on her end towards me OR worse make an even bigger dramatic theatre about it. I responded to her text in a methodical way clarifying and verifying; then I simply stated that I didn't think it would be best for our attendance TO HER wedding until this supposed issue was resolved and it had to be done via phone not text anymore. Showed my husband my response and I told him why I wouldn't go to the wedding until I spoke to his mom-he never could understand the reasoning behind why it would hinder our attendance at the wedding. Do you see the significance of the way I handled and dealt with this? Didn't hear from her until the next day and it was via text still...I saved all the snapshots of that text drama because it was the most ridiculously wasted time of my life (among others).

With all that being said, I took all that was occurring as a subtly sign that this really wasn't a good idea for us to be going to the wedding, especially when finally my luck was done for and I was officially sick. It's now Thursday before the wedding and I've expressed my concern to my husband about his mom's situation but more importantly how I'm feeling sick now, and that our daughter hasn't improved-on the contrary just seems to be on autopilot and even her appetite is minimal with all her congestion. I suggest taking her to CareNow instead of her actual doctor's so they can provide something quick since there was still time...he didn't give a damn he was still more focused on the damn wedding coming up saying, "I know you don't want to go to the wedding but she'll be fine you two just need to rest." I asked him to take us to CareNow because with me being out of my job health insurance was never his priority and never tried getting it for us. I remember just moving along with my day and not wasting my breath on something that was not going to change even seeing how my little one’s demeanor was...

I even suggested for him to just go be at his mother’s wedding and that I would have my aunt or sister look after us; as is I don’t like being a “witness” to marriage ceremonies because it’s a big deal and if I don’t feel that the individuals wedding are meant to be married or that I don’t even know the individuals well enough – I didn’t like being in attendance for the wedding. His only response was simply "I'm not going to the wedding by myself, we either all go or we all stay. Apparently I'm supposed to rest and get better when I'm taking care of our daughter, packing for her and myself just in case for the three days and two nights, still feed us and take care of house chores especially since we would be returning and my husband would practically turn around and leave for something he had going on out of town for what he claimed was “work” and I would be by myself.

I was upset at my husband and his damn mother, aggravated at my husband’s inability to see what was going on in front of him, sad that we had expressed vows not even long before about love and cherish and taking care of each other, disappointed that he was more caught up on his own family crap that he wasn't even willing to take our daughter to CareNow, worried for my daughter because I had already gone through so much with her when she was born and she had never gotten sick until now, disillusioned at my husband in what I thought he understand of my faith and actually being a family, pissed that he didn't realize the severity or importance of the same scriptures he chose for our wedding in regards to HIS now immediate family coming first and everything else is second...there's no need to go on because these emotions are only the beginning and soon explode to the max during this whole damn weekend wedding.

Friday morning arrived...I now felt like crap physically from feeling sick and even my daughter didn't look any better, on the contrary she was even more tired and lethargic from when her symptoms started. I couldn't go back to sleep and decided to continue moving forward through the day and let her sleep off the meds. Without telling my husband I took the initiative again and texted my husband’s mother and grandmother letting them know that my daughter wasn't any better and that it might be that we would either not attend at all or just arrive and leave the same day as the wedding. The grandmother's response stated prayers for her to get better and that whatever is best for her to get better. His mother's response stated prayers but basically, “hope you can still make it as I would love to have her part of the ceremony.” Yes, because THAT'S the focus of what I'm doing...my husband is downstairs and when he sees me, he asks how our daughter is doing and how I am. I literally tell him now that I feel like shit and how our daughter was through the night because I was keeping vigil of her throughout the night. I let him know what I sent his mother and grandmother and his response was immediate irritation; that I should have just waited until tomorrow to let them know, is what he told me. That our daughter could still change tomorrow and be better and we would still be able to attend and that all I had to say was that I didn't want to go to the wedding and we wouldn't go. I blew at that moment not only because of what he was saying but his facial expression as well. "If I wasn't planning or wanting to go to your mother's wedding then why in the hell would I waste time packing everything for our daughter as if we were going to leave regardless of her being sick and also my luggage? And unlike you and your family I'm not going to wait until the last minute, especially for a wedding to let someone know important information. Also, I'm supposed to be taking photos at your mom’s wedding so why would I have offered to still do so if I didn't or wasn't going to be going? You're forgetting I haven't rested since our daughter started getting sick and now, I feel like shit. So yes, my not wanting to go to the wedding is the reason [insert sarcasm]." His expression changed and he started to be all soft and sweet-but I had had enough. I made a decision to myself at that moment, that I wasn't going to hold my tongue or my decisions in the moment (especially regarding his family and any stupid drama caused by his mother and his family, as is the previously mentioned drama of his mother wasn’t even resolved yet either). By this time my family knew that my daughter wasn't doing so well and my mom expressed concern for going to the trip (even if a minimal distance from our house)-I had to white lie to cover my husband’s ass because he didn't care about getting us better it was more a matter of what he had said to his family and already agreed to with his mother. Against my better judgement there we go to Shreveport.

Sincerely,

A Distinct Woman 

Looking Back during Lent of 2018 - General/Family Life/Relationships

 When I had originally created this post, it was my attempt at looking back at the past in a reflective and wanting to enlighten myself (as well as any others) at the signs or even what should or shouldn’t take place with your wedding and relationship altogether. I wasn’t even divorced yet and I was already analyzing how the blessed event took place. So fast forward to today in the year 2026 and I'm finally finishing this post.

Do I believe there is such a thing as a perfect wedding, no! However, there is such a thing as a couple believing they had close to a perfect wedding-which means that they both enjoyed the day and everything entailed/associated with the day of bliss! So, trying to keep the original content in place the text that’s bolded are what I’ve now added or created. Here we go!

 Looking Back during Lent of 2018

August has come and gone, which means all the excitement of “wedded bliss has died down; the wedding is over. Easter is coming up and I’m looking back or more like through the wedding album since we came back from a beach March wedding (that I had to do the pictures on for my photography business). I even managed to find a few thank you cards I did back in September, right after our wedding that I hadn’t gotten around to sending out. All this is making me remember and reminisce more vividly about the day of the wedding and more significantly the leading up to the wedding.

I took every precaution and organized measure to make sure that my husband and I would have a wonderful wedding day as we both agreed that this would be THE wedding for us both. With divorce in his family's history (both biological parents), my desire and prayerful discernment was that this would be my only wedding regardless of the circumstances or situation in which we found ourselves and how our relationship evolved from the start. I organized everything to make sure that mostly everything would take off without a hitch and that my “hubby “and I could enjoy the preparation and getting ready on the day of the event. My family (my mother, father, and sister) were doing their best considering everything we had personally going on that week of the wedding date, while still striving to make everything possible for him and I. I even went to the extent of putting on every invitation that on the day the groom and bride were not to be bothered with questions or exterior situations of any kind as we would both be preparing for the big event on the day of. Considering my hubby's past and also seeing that he was also excited for the wedding, I wanted to do my part in making sure he would have some time to himself or maybe just some time with him and his brothers...I knew that things would come up but nothing to the extent of what actually occurred.

You see our wedding was scheduled for a Saturday and a late afternoon Mass (purposely chosen to be at the latest time-3pm). When my husband (well at the time fiancé) and I were asked at what time we wanted our wedding, hubby answered saying “it’s up to you babe.” So, in my mind because the two adults getting married had a little girl who wasn’t walking on her own yet and had to be taken into consideration with the time of the whole thing, I figured that the later time would be good enough for us. I even relayed all of this to my husband explaining more in detail once we left the church (as to my logic and reasoning) to see if he agreed or understood the choice; “that way it gives us both the getting ready time, you can spend your getting ready time with your family and then you can be with our daughter and once I’m going to start getting ready you can leave our daughter with my folks and head to the church since you’re required to be there earlier.” I knew that as a responsible adult it wasn’t going to be the most typical wedding day since we did have a little girl, hell I even knew realistically that the wonderful bride getting ready was going to be cut short because I didn’t want to just pawn off our daughter in order to get ready. Which leads me to the next bit...since I wanted to make sure and stay on budget, a very tight budget, I made sure to not use a wedding planner and do all the organizing myself. Staying on budget was difficult due to price points and I would do my homework on decor (sometimes with even my hubby in tow) BUT it was even worse on the venue stuff because he just wanted to get things over with and done so that the wedding day, we literally wouldn’t have anything to worry about. Only problem is that I had lots to worry about, leading up to the day of and ON the day off. My sister is a wedding planner and event coordinator, but I also didn’t want to use her services as a wedding planner and coordinator since she was my maid of honor, then still was going to have my reception venue set up with the décor personally purchased for the day of, and then get ready and help with any last minute details. I was making sure that everything from the i’s and t’s were done, chronologically and methodically. I spent weeks doing research on the venues, menus, decor, church items, guest gifts, last minute items, and more importantly the thought into everything about the wedding; I did everything that a wedding planner and coordinator was supposed to do, on top of being a mom to our daughter (especially during the times my husband was “working”). I did a task sheet that listed items to review and mark up to the week of to stay organized and limit or eliminate stress.

To stay on target and within budget range I did the following:

•  invitations were sent out exactly five months in advance so that EVERYONE had plenty of time to RSVP
• I created the website for our wedding so I could also have people easily RSVP and that I could keep a headcount
• I did the wedding registry that was shown on our wedding website - something I forced my husband to join in on and create the registry with me. He didn’t seem to care about the registry. Shoot I remember at the time his exact words were, “why don’t we just let people give us whatever they want and be done. My family isn’t going to be able to give us much anyway...” he then proceeded to explain why.
• Based off his input we put items on our registry that I figured technically we would need if we had our own apartment/house then after showing hubby, it was approved and posted
• I researched venues that were realistic for the price and the quantity invited; I wanted something that would be easy to decorate, affordable, including everything we needed to feed the guests which were servers, service, and food. I didn’t really care about the bar but once I showed hubby the venue and we saw the room that would be used for our reception he was happy with the option of having a cash bar. I love my drinks when the occasion arises, but I’ve never been a drunk or huge drinker SO I kept saying no bar or bartender and hubby said it would be fine. His side of the family REALLY like to drink, well excluding his maternal grandparents that is…
• The venue for the reception was not near the church but near my family’s house (the location where we were living and would still be living in after we got married); I wasn’t worried about where the venue was as long as it was easier on my sister and I for the day of because of the setup of the reception on the day of and because of my little one

The wedding venue was secured and even my hubby (fiancé at the time) was on the same page with me regarding the location and everything that was included. For feeding exactly forty-two people and a child under the age of one (our daughter) with a full three-course meal and an entree meal option for the guests, along with one round of champagne for the toast; all including the servers and service with cutlery and plates, especially for the cake...well under $4k. I was proud of myself and proud of us because of the bargain we got compared to every other place in the Dallas Metroplex area...the big date was getting closer...I was rounding up all the decor and making cuts in decor expenses when my sister surprised me by pitching in for costs towards the decor.

The clock was ticking and I had to now get to the item that was my wedding dress. All of a sudden my husband (fiancé at the time) was adamant and made sure that I would have the wedding dress I wanted for the blessed occasion and I was still trying to cut costs even there for us...you see for a traditional Catholic wedding, the bride typically wears a two tier veil with the longer portion extending towards the back of the dress and the shorter tier having the ability to flip over the brides face and then be placed/folded back toward the back of the dress and bride. Think like the character Maria in the Sound of Music; since I was a little girl I was always imagining something like that…My wedding dress was truly beautiful in every sense of the word and it showed in not only the style of the dress but in the details, materials, fabric, and elegance. 

I made sure to keep it as clean and tidy as possible-for it to be something I can hand down to my girls (something like the baptism gown that was purchased for one daughter and is now a family heirloom). Well, that was the idea or illusion perhaps at the time. Once the divorce was final, I told my mother to get rid of it...Picking my wedding dress was rushed and it wasn’t like how I envisioned it to be. The joy I had was that my family (my daughter, my parents, and my bride maids were in attendance but that was it. 

He met us where the dress was purchased and he said he was going to pay for the dress. I was surprised and then once I found out that he was rushing me to meet up with his family for their impromptu birthday gathering for his grandmother, well that combined with him liking to “look good” to the appearance of others for what he was “doing for his family” it made sense where the push and drive to pay came from. Now don’t get me wrong I deeply cared for those grandparents and had no problem with even wanting to celebrate her birthday, it was the fact that the only reason why his family was all getting together was because his mother was in town with her live in boyfriend and two sons and so was one or both of this brothers (I can’t remember exactly regarding his brothers). So anyway, the wedding dress was picked out and paid for, so while I loaded my daughter and I into the pickup truck while my sister and parents took my wedding dress home.

Only weeks until the wedding date...crunch time is fast approaching and I remember stressing. My husband’s family “offered” their assistance: his grandparents offered that if there was anything I needed help with for the big day to let them know-realistically it was a nice gesture and offer but I knew they wouldn't be able to offer much help given their health conditions and age; similar to that of my own grandparents-I wouldn't dare ask the elderly. Now my husband’s mother offered her assistance stating, "that if there's anything you need for the wedding let me know. Even to set up or clean or whatever you need for the big day just let us know." I knew I shouldn't have given her words much thought considering my experience already with the woman, but I figured that given it was her eldest son's first marriage…needless to say I was hopeful for this to be a turning point or a new leaf turned over! Hubby himself even said that him and his brothers could help with the heavy lifting and anything that my sister and I needed especially for the reception items...that was a relief for me because I figured I would be able to count on hubby and his brothers because my uncles would be busy taking care of my grandparents (maternal side) so that my mother could focus on the reception set up with my sister and her daughter (aka – me) on the big day, then my other relatives would be busy prepping for their roles in the wedding ceremony AND getting my cousins situated for their roles as well in the wedding. On top of that my father unfortunately couldn't postpone or reschedule his required knee surgery otherwise he would be doing more damage to his physical overall health. I remember that even my parents tried to reschedule it earlier, but the surgeon didn't have anything sooner; so, the timing was just unfortunate. I remember that even my sister made a comment about it being a sign and not to force the wedding...a remember a part of me then was taking her words to heart but in my mind what I was trying to do for my “new” family was going to take precedence – sad part was looking back I was the male in the relationship and the only one really doing the relational aspect of the marriage as well as the relationship as a whole…Looking back, maybe if we had just waited a little bit longer things would have progressed for the better in a different way...then again maybe not. I've never had regrets about any decisions I've made in my life but that doesn't mean I still can't be sad or overwhelmed with emotions at remembering...anyway, I digress.

The wedding date was exactly a week away and I kept checking and double checking all the details of the wedding. Everything dealing with the ceremony and the reception (decorations, materials, etc) were all laid out in my parents’ house in the dining room on the big dining room table they have. I had items organized and separated by the agenda of the day and for the reception and ceremony. During the day because of my little one, I wasn't able to do much or accomplish much unless it involved us going to stores or shopping for something...my evenings and nights were spent working on things for the wedding, literally even up until the night before my wedding. When I asked my husband for help on things his statement was, "I don't really want to get involved helping you because you want things a certain way and I feel like I'm going to mess things up, BUT I can do and work on our present/card box as well as our sign in mirror idea. I'll fix them so they stay open and we can close them easily."

I ended up just agreeing not knowing my headache and problems ahead either way...I designed and worked on the pamphlets for the ceremony for the guests. When they were done, I printed them, then folded them; when I asked my husband to fold them for me he kept saying, "I will babe, later" or "I'll do that tomorrow babe." I ended up folding them all myself and placing them in the "ceremony" box that was to be loaded into the vehicle on the day of the wedding...I designed and worked on the reception table cards and name cards. Since I wanted my husband’s opinion and contribution, the name cards took me a total of three days to finish; I printed them out, cut them all out, then proceeded to laminate them. We didn't and never had a laminator, so I ended up package taping every name card. What I mean by my package tape is that I cut up pieces of the clear tape used for FedEx/UPS boxes; allowing the name cards to look like laminated name cards-since these were also keep sake items for all our guests. I saved money on this great little guest keep sake idea; mini mason jars (no larger than about 4" tall) that had a beautifully engraved emblem of the wedding with white chocolate circular chocolates. I filled and fixed all the jars and then packed them up for them to be placed in the "reception" box that was to be placed in my sister’s Hummer with all the other reception decor items. I had this idea for the entry and area where guests would take their keep’s sake items at their departure; it was a "Looking at the Past for the Future"; basically, framed pictures of all the longest and blessed couples that were wedded and still together in our families. So, after all the frames were bought, I made sure to fix them and pack them (again in the reception box).

Designed, organized, and created the layout of reception area and how everyone should be seated, knowing that any adjustments I could trust my sister to make herself with her best judgement when she would set up the reception. My sister and I did a test run of what the table top decor would like (in the evening after she arrived from work) and once we had a concrete layout, I made sure it was packed up and accordingly organized in the "reception box" for my sister when she would take the items out to set up. Created a wedding playlist by writing it all down first, so that I could then have my husband’s contribution and opinion, before even putting the playlist together on my phone (to be played at the reception). Once my husband provided his input I then spent one whole night creating the playlist. I then created and printed out the wedding day's agenda, which was more for my sister to help me but more importantly I needed to provide one for the reception venue. The last items, after everything were packed in their specific boxes, were the “sign in mirror” and the gift box, both which weren't fixed by my husband until two days before the wedding day. For the sign in mirror, I had specific photos printed out to be placed on the sign in mirror's panels. I did a good amount of art and crafts to finalize our sign in mirror, and I was very happy at the result. Items were done and I was able to pack everything in an organized fashion for those who would be using them...all of this was done during the week before the wedding date and all done by myself; I would go to sleep until about 2am or 3am overnight and yes even on the eve of my wedding night...but I'll get into that on another post...Where my fiancé was during all this, wasn’t taking care of our daughter so that I would have this grand amount of time no, because even when he actually cooked my sister and I were still cleaning up the kitchen or washing the dishes-he was either playing on his phone on my parent’s couch or in the office on what was my desk that he overtook or outside or in the garage…yes he would help get the bed ready for out little one or the easy set up things before I did the little ones nightly ritual but that’s about it…

My sister had told me to not worry about the wedding glasses and wedding cake items for the bride and groom; I didn't understand why when I showed her the ones I was ordering online but later, at the wedding she told me why. She said that no sister of hers was going to be get some crappy materials on Amazon for her wedding, because this was something I deserved and shouldn't be cutting corners on to have, since it would be my first and it was hopeful to be my only wedding. She presented us, him and I, with (as her gift to us) a beautiful and real set of wedding champagne glasses with glass carvings with our wedding information and date, along with a beautiful matching pair of knives for our wedding cake to go with it. Items I will forever cherish, not because of items from the wedding but because of the thought and love my sister put into buying them and presenting them to us. Something he and point blank his whole family have no value to the significance of these items since they all like to divorce and remarry like candy-excluding the maternal grandparents on his side.

Two weeks before the wedding date I had to double-check our RSVP numbers as we had to provide them to the reception venue literally a week before the wedding date. I questioned my hubby about his uncle's attendance, and I clearly stated (while also gaging what my husband’s thoughts were at that time) that I didn't want his uncle bringing the crack whore want to be saint to our wedding. That I was not going to have the current woman he claimed to be in a relationship with, at our wedding, and if he wanted to come, he could come alone. This is the same woman who I met at Christmas the year our first baby was born who I was scoffed at for not wanting her to touch or have anything to do with my baby girl...I was judged because I didn’t want a woman who little whored herself out to get a fix of drugs while making sure she had a meals taken care of AND claimed to recently be clean. I don’t care who you are FUCK to the NO on a new baby proximity. As a squirrel note, in the end she was using him for her own gain while he was using her to appease his loneliness (and for lack of a better term, fuck buddy), so I was right in my assessment then that was claimed to be “judgmental Catholic” instead of “momma bear mode”; ironically as well, they aren't together anymore and he's moved on to another woman (who looks and dresses the same as his ex).

Any who! Getting back to the post because that's no concern of mine and irrelevant to the post...so I get a text on one of the days of that week, two weeks prior to the wedding, on a lovely and joyous afternoon (when we're with all of my family no less), from hubby's uncle asking about the type of dress his girlfriend (the crack whore) should wear to the wedding. Long story short hubby ended up having to talk to his grandmother because apparently his uncle responded like a little child to tattle tale to his mother, that why wasn’t his nephew whose wedding it was-couldn’t bring his trashy slutty girlfriend to our wedding. I felt slightly bad for my husband about that occurrence as well as the fact that his actual best friend wasn't going to attend the wedding due to a cruise him and his girlfriend would be taking, but now he had to deal with petty drama from his side of the family (again). I conceded for the "peace" of that day because it wasn't only his grandmother he had to deal with but his own mother butting in on the situation...I responded to his uncle's text to let him know how she should dress. I can tell you that she neither wore something suggested in style and color nor something appropriate for a wedding, instead she wore a dress that was shorter than a miniskirt and as tight as a thong. I'm still trying to get her damn name off our wedding sign in mirror...

My husband’s mother arrived at the hotel with her boyfriend and his two sons as well as her youngest son in tow, the Thursday evening before the wedding agenda would begin. I still had hope of it all going well until my husband told me that he would be returning in a few hours since he was going over to the hotel to see his brother. I found through her social media that they had decided to go eat at the Benihana in the area closest to their hotel (the same hotel she stayed at when she was in town for our daughter's baptism). It's not the fact that she's enjoying her evening, it's the fact that the woman claimed she would be as much help as possible for us for our wedding since we had our little one, but not only does she not suggest for us all to have dinner together or perhaps come over to the house and see what we may or may not need help with for the big day, she hints at her son instead leaving his daughter and fiancé to go over and spend time with them...Am I not right to get a little furious at the situation and also at my hubby in that moment because he knows and see's what still has not been done and that I've been dead tired from the week as it is! I was literally updating him daily and showing him the things as I completed them, so it’s not like he wasn’t in the know! So when I tell him that, he has the audacity to answer me, "so I can't even see my family now? What do you need help with? You said I can't load the stuff into the truck because you aren't done..." Then when I proceeded to ask him about our daughter and getting her ready for bed, he nonchalantly mentions that our daughter didn't want to be put to sleep by him and that my mother had it covered. I remember at that moment I just snapped; I responded calmly letting him know to go ahead with his mom and brother because the wedding was off and I didn't give a damn about how much money was spent or placed where, because I knew my family could cover the cost for me...

Looking back, he was the one losing a lot if he hadn’t tried his hardest like he did to talk to me and "make it better". My parent's home and all the luxurious accommodations - I literally had begged my parents to let him stay in the guest bedroom so that it was a way for us to be “chaperoned” and him to create and nurture a relationship and bond with our daughter…by the time the conversation ended it was already 10pm. I felt like I couldn't breathe and I needed air. I'm going through the motions of still getting things ready for the wedding and he has no problem just saying good night and going to the guest bedroom. I held in tears and told my family that I needed to drive to clear my head and that I just needed to drive...I didn't owe my husband an explanation, so I left but made sure to text the family when the garage closed. It was already late so I figured to drive on the “safer routes” for a longer distance so I could drive with my calm music. I ended up taking highway 75 southbound into Dallas, to then get on 635 going westbound to take the express lanes of an area I knew was well lit and secure enough for my drive; the irony was I was praying and driving to clear my mind while thinking of this so called “safer route” since I didn’t want anything to happen to me as I had mt little one at home counting on me.

During this year (and still the case now) there were a lot of reported car accidents with wrong way drivers, drunk drivers, and those on their phones so yes, I was still trying to be cautious. Not even two miles into the drive on 635 when there’s apparently something wrong with a vehicle and two cop cars are assisting. This next portion I still have yet to tell ANYONE about...a mile after passing that cop scene I'm driving along and minding my own business when these two drunk idiots in a black Dodge Challenger decide to get my attention by honking and then proceeding to try and side swipe my vehicle (twice) one time by accident since they were swerving onto my lane and then the second time on purpose because they were wanting my attention. Scared the crap out of me and I broke hard letting them pass as their stupid smug laughs sped away...I got off at the nearest exit and locked on to my route home ASAP. I didn't think of my husband, it was my daughter I wanted to see and touch after that...

When I arrived back home, I saw that my husband was still awake, so my resolution hit me. I walked into the guest room and asked him a question; after a good amount of back and forth responses between him and I, I said fine I wouldn't' call off the wedding but that HE needed to tell his mother that I needed her at the house early the next day to talk and to help with last minute things for the wedding. Both were true statements and I wanted to get all these indifferent thoughts out of the way and out in the open as well as yes have her actually help. The Friday before our wedding was when she was to arrive around 9am and help; knowing we would have to take two vehicles for the last minutes errands and tasks, I made sure my sister and mom knew that they wouldn't be riding with me and my little one, since my husband's mother would be in the vehicle with me. She arrived on time and proceeded to talk; first about how glad she was my husband had texted her to inform her and that she was happy to help in any way. To be honest she didn't help at all and was more of a nuisance than an aide-ok I lied, she helped us wrap and finish one big box of the gifts to be at our gift table at the reception; because it was about looking for a belt and suspenders for her youngest son, then she last minute bought my daughter a dress for the rehearsal at the church, and then asked me about where to get her hair done then left because she needed to get ready for the rehearsal we would be having at the church later.

Supposedly, the air was cleared for us as we would always be up front and direct with each other, that she was so happy her son had found someone like me, that she had prayed for years for someone like me, then proceeded to tell me about what her boyfriend was doing wrong with his sons and the problems she was having in correcting/teaching his sons...all I wanted to make clear was that I was always going to be direct, blunt, and confrontational-if that created a moment or moments of indifference or at odds or especially a conflict so be it. And yes, you guessed it, I had A LOT Of help from that woman (that's sarcasm by the way). Well, I had to finish what I could because time was wasted taking her to another store for her youngest son’s things for the wedding...I scrambled to get ready, then get my little one ready, and still make it to rehearsal in Downtown Dallas. Oh, but my husband made sure that rental cars were taken care of and provided for his family (why I still don't understand because that's money we could have saved, but whatever, it's his day too and he wanted to-is what I thought).

Well, I'm late for my own rehearsal and though I have a reason to be I'm peeved and starving! I realized then and there at rehearsal that photos of the big day! I take the time to ask my uncle if he can be the photographer at the wedding. Yup that's right, to save cost further I didn't have a professional photographer, instead I asked my uncle who wasn't a formerly part of the ceremony of the wedding but still important; he was nice enough to say sure and looking back at my photos today, I still love a lot of the ones he took! So, we move through the motions of the rehearsal and then it's about the rehearsal dinner...

My family was still trying and nice enough to ask me and my sister even said she could try to work something if I wanted to, my response was no because there was no way in hell, I was going to make my family pay for everyone AND I didn’t feel like giving ungrateful people a handout. Call me mean, a bitch, or whatever adjectives you may have but I was just done for. My own fiancé didn’t even try to plan or create something in advance. Though he quickly scrambled for one after his mother whispered something to him once rehearsal was over. So the rehearsal was more for his family’s free meal and my family’s giving the illusion that it was a semi normal traditional wedding that my side of the family is used to...by the time we got to the shops of Legacy at Bob’s Steakhouse I was exhausted and I knew that with the wedding day the following day my little one needed her rest and comfort. I wasn’t going to pretend to enjoy something when I knew she needed her bath and bedtime, since he obviously wasn’t looking at the time. I also hadn’t finished things for the wedding and reception, and I needed to finish that at home as well...the rehearsal was an ordeal as well because my husband forced me to have his mother be a participant at the wedding. Considering she has no self-respect, no respect for religion and faith life, and likes to dress as if she’s in her 20s all over again and pretends to do things just so she can appear to look good to the eyes watching her. I was purposeful and intentional on the individuals that were to be a part of the Wedding Mass and I even took the time to explain everything to him, I was worried about what she would wear as she was going to be reading scripture…so yes I was just done and there was the fact that I wanted rest. I’m sorry but NO bride should have puffy eyes from either crying OR lack of sleep! And I’m not talking lack of sleep due to excitement or wedding jitters NOPE my situation was different and because the bride to be is working her own wedding...

Where was my family, you might wonder or ask? Oh, believe me they were there and every step of the way, ready to catch me and assist and lend a hand BUT individuals in the relationship itself before the marriage had to own up and grow a pair while also ensuring that the tone going into the wedding and marriage life is the right tone; through thick and thin, sickness and health, and working TOGETHER…

It sounds weird and even feels weird writing it but I lost nothing, well except anger at him, but gained so much more because of journey God allowed…all the signs were there and I decided to ignore them thinking that I was doing right by new family that was the man who gave me a baby and more importantly my daughter. I’m more blessed now than I was before, that’s for sure!

Sincerely,

A Distinct Woman

Wedding Month in 2017 - General/Family Life

It's been a busy time at home between the little one who is adorably awesome and also trying to finalize everything for the upcoming wedding; more specifically some commentary from my immediate family (mother, sister, and even father) have merit and have had me thinking some...the concerns they're bringing up are not necessarily (at least in my mind) deal breakers but I feel it in my gut that their comments are warranted and I'm going to have to evaluate as the date gets closer. Meanwhile, I've bought most if not a good majority of the items - I'm budgeting and making cost cuts where I can but still keeping it tasteful and the way I had envisioned my wedding to be. Yes, I said "I" not "we"...

Let's be honest, weddings are more about the Bride or at least about what the Bride envisions overall for the wedding. The soon to be Groom either just complies or you're the lucky few with the more vocal and participating men who put their input and want to be more involved in the wedding preparations. In the case of my ex-husband (well back then soon to be husband) my "hubby" was already previously engaged as well as having already lived with at least two women before me (different times and different duration of relationship/s), and when I continually (as well as repetitively) asked what type of wedding he wanted; we settled on a classy rustic wedding. He chose the colors (because trust me I DO NOT like turquoise) and we compromised on the style/type of wedding so it should even out towards the end. The ceremony aspect has been taken care of already-the only unfortunate aspect is, they are still doing the touch up remodel of the Cathedral in Dallas around the altar area. It doesn't look like it will be complete in time for that area to be completed by the date of our wedding. The only person who's making a big deal about it is my sister; granted I understand her reasoning behind it since I've had a "wedding book" done and I've imagined being married since I was in junior high. The wedding book I have contained ideas and times of how I wanted my wedding to the love of my life to be. So, my sister, in all the goodness of her heart was wanting everything to be perfect for her little sister.

Anyway, I was able to find and evaluate what I truly needed for decorations, where to cut costs, what I had to let go of (meaning what I knew I wasn't going to be able to get but had always wanted in the wedding); an example of this would be the sign in book and area. Instead of the beautifully designed and engraved sign in book I had envisioned (and found) and the sign in area to be a little elaborate with a past portraits timeline of him and me leading to the actual sign in book. 

Well for only a quarter of the cost of all that, I bought frames for images of the past couples in our family history that have lasted as a nice little display area to encourage and strengthen our wedding day, then we bought a beautiful window style mirror that has beautiful wooden doors. I personally decorated it and we will be using that as a "sign-in"; everyone can use one of the colorful sharpies to leave a message on the mirror and we can hang it on our wall in our new home. We got things prepared in a smaller sized venue room because our guest list has slowly continued to diminish. Our original count was a lot higher number, but the wedding party shrunk; his original best man was his best friend who is Philippino but that faltered and my bridesmaids also shrunk by two. Then there were guests who I contacted prior to invitations being sent out and that diminished the seating chart arrangement. I won't be having an actual floral bouquet as I walk down the aisle and there isn't going to be any decorations in the church...I'm trying to conserve whatever cost I can spend towards florals for the reception, as my sister be assisting with that setup.

Overall I'm kind of proud of myself because I've done all of the planning, arranging, scheduling, personal touches on decorations and arts/crafts for the wedding stuff. My goal is just to have my sister put everything together meaning to arrange everything with her wedding planning vision for everything. I’ve got and am going to finish up prior to the wedding. Besides I’m hoping that since his family will be here a day before that since they mentioned they would offer help, I’m going to use all hands-on deck especially since I have my daughter now :)

Sincerely,

A Distinct Woman 

An Emotional Lent in 2018 - General/Family Life

If you didn't or don't know already, I'm a practicing Catholic. No don't worry this isn't a post about religion specifically but it does relay some of the religious aspects in Catholicism of the traditions of Lent. I digress about that for now until I continue on about the story in general...

As I had mentioned before, Valentine's Day was also Ash Wednesday, but with the events of the day plans got altered. I was feeling a little on the sluggish side, finally getting out of the nausea period of the pregnancy, so not only did my oldest and I move at a leisure pace to get out of bed and get ready for the day but our original plan was to spend the afternoon at my aunt's house with one of my cousins (my oldest had helped me make a Valentine envelope and goody treat for her); we were just going to drop it off ourselves after getting our ashes. The whole day changed because of me SO I ended up looking for the latest and nearest Ash Wednesday service (this means that it's not a full mass-which consists of an hour or longer mass that has all parts from introduction to concluding rights). The service would allow for us to have dinner beforehand; my daughter gave our cousin her Valentine's, and it would allow for me not to be rushing all over the place. I asked my ex-husband (well husband at that time) if he would be going and I was amazed that he said yes-so there the trio went to the nearest Catholic church to our house to attend the 6:30pm Ash Wednesday service; the service included the Liturgy of the Word, Ashes, Liturgy of the Eucharist, and all of the concluding rights and prayers. The place was so packed with people and cars that we literally parked more than 535 steps away from the main entrance of the church. That said the main church was so full you couldn't even make it inside the church narthex of the church; that led us to having the Ash service in what that specific parish calls the "Parish Hall". Once the service finished, I finished my prayers then we started to walk out of the Parish Hall and towards our parked vehicle. We saw my aunt and her family at the church but we weren't able to see them or get a hold of them after so I told my ex-husand for us to do our own thing for dinner then we would drop of my cousins Valentine's after we had finished eating - besides it was getting super late already and I was starving. Don't EVER let a pregnant woman go past her eating hours and a note to the men who are part of the pregnancy venture-ALWAYS make sure the pregnant woman has snacks or is fed, don't wait until she tells you because the bigger she gets and/or the more far along she gets the more demanding she will be when it comes to food. 

After we had delicious Mi Piada (that day it was our first time trying but now our regular and favorite spot), I communicated to my aunt that we were looking for them; we ended up meeting them at the restaurant they were at to drop off the Valentine's Day large envelope of goodies and made our way home to get my oldest ready for bed and for mommy to relax...On a side note, it's still baffling and amazing to me how Christians who call themselves Catholics only attend church/mass when it's the major holidays (such as Lenten/Easter time and/or Christmas/Advent) or that they think that's the only time TO GO! That really is a post all on its own, so I'll differ and get to that on a later post...

Since my ex-husband had attended Ash Wednesday with me, especially since he was self-employed now and able to attend-not out on a job site or away from home, I was hopeful that I would not only have assistance during the pregnancy portion that took place during Lent but that I would have my ex-husband at my side during the Catholic religious traditions I've done all my life and am passing on to the kiddos...that hope was sadly extinguished for Holy Week had arrived.

It's easy for anyone to attend Palm Sunday as it happens to be and fall ON a Sunday, so of course the ex-husband was in attendance with my oldest and I; it was the rest of the week that it didn't go as I had thought or anticipated. For the sake of understanding or comprehending why what happened this specific week is so important or affected me so, I'll have to elaborate on certain religious aspects of Holy Week and their importance to the Catholic faith. First off Palm Sunday: Palm Sunday commentates the arrival of Jesus Christ in Jerusalem to the cheering crowd. The same crowd that will later be condemning him. This helps the congregation think about their own commitment and strength in their faith. Asking themselves about the times when they have been unfaithful to Jesus Christ and/or perhaps hypocrites. The congregation holds small crosses made out of the palm leaves in remembrance of the significance of that day many years ago...Maundy Thursday (aka-Holy Thursday) is a very intimate and long night of the faith during Lent: this day is in remembrance of the Last Supper, when Jesus washes the feet of his disciples and established the ceremony of the Eucharist, which is celebrated at every mass. It's the night in which Jesus is betrayed by Judas in the Garden. During the mass, the priest features a ceremony of washing twelve random people among the congregation to commemorate Jesus Christ washing his disciples feet. Then another significant moment during the mass is consecrating the oil used for anointing throughout that year to come. What's sadly not explained or elaborated enough on is the importance of what happens after the Holy Thursday Mass is ended. The mass closes in silence where the Eucharist is ceremoniously and respectfully walked around the entire church (symbolic of the walking to the Garden where Jesus prays with his disciples). Typically (but depending on the church) after the Holy Eucharist (which Catholics believe to be our Lord and Savior in the flesh after the moment of transubstantiation in the mass) is walked throughout the church, the priest will then continue to walk the Holy Eucharist to the specially adorned chapel or quiet/secluded room where it's intimately adorned for adoration and meditation/prayer with the Lord, until midnight, which is when Catholics symbolically believe Jesus Christ to be alone with the high priests and in jail before he is scourged. We the people, the congregation are to pray with the Lord during that time from when he is placed until midnight. Good Friday; one of the most important events in Christianity where the Passion (the execution and crucifixion of Jesus Christ) of the Lord is commemorated and the day in the church is typically spent in mourning/silence. Catholics don't have mass on this day but instead a "service"; another day where we say and have a service, similar to that of Ash Wednesday (just without the ashes). The Spanish speaking cultures or Latin American cultures who practice the Catholic faith and traditions of their country (traditions that have been brought to the Catholic churches of the United States) make sure that stations of the cross are either done or re-enacted in respect to the crucifixion of our Lord. Then the service is done at some time between noon and 3pm (depending on the church/priest/parish). We meditate on the seven last words uttered by Jesus Christ on the cross with hymns, prayers, and short sermons, then the service provides only the Eucharist. The cross or a cross provided by the parish is venerated by respectfully kissing a part of the cross; if its a crucifix with the image/model of Jesus Christ on it then you are to pick a spot to kiss him in respect and love, then one of the ushers wipes it clean after you, for the next person. Holy Saturday is simply spent in quiet meditation/prayer and fasting in preparations for the Easter Vigil that will be celebrated late in the night, into Easter Day.

NOW that you have a better idea of what goes on, I can now finish my story. Holy Thursday had arrived and I was excited for the evening and in sharing this moment with my oldest who now wasn't just a child being held in the arms but was conscientious of what was going on around her. For one because she was older and comprehended a lot more than her first year of life (she was way too small to know, remember, and understand Easter in 2017) but because she seemed to already have a special relationship with the Lord-it's hard to believe I know but I'll have to expand on that one in another post at another time, needless to say she was always reverent and loving toward a cross, crucifix, image of Mary, the Holy Family, sacred hearts of Jesus and Mary, as well as the guardian angel images. I got our outfits ready for the evening that same morning in anticipation and had her (as well as myself) dressed in casual and comfortable attire for the day in the meantime. We went about our day and even early on I knew that my ex-husband was busy with trying to make sales and "tinkering" with some of his products, so I made sure early on to let him know about the mass in the evening and that it would actually take longer than a typical Sunday mass. He never responded saying that he wasn't going to be attending just that he needed to finish some things before and hopefully he would finish them in time...considering that he was going in and out of the house, then didn't eat lunch with us, didn't spend any time with baby girl and I, didn't help me inside the house whether upstairs or downstairs, nor did he make dinner for us but instead I made sure to prep, cook, and make dinner for us prior to what I knew the mass time was (7pm). 

My ex-husband ate dinner with us but then proceeded to go back outside and "tinker"; but he made sure to be inside on the couch (cooling off he said), talked to yes a few clients but a good amount of calls were to his "buddies" who he likes to chat up with, then spent a good amount of time playing on his phone...my assumption was that he would be or was finishing up and would be able to drive us and help me with our oldest since I did already have a good size tummy in this part of the pregnancy and I had complained some that week of back pain as well as feeling a little off (as far as exhaustion went), then again it also had a lot to do that the little one inside was extra active and wanting to do things around the house kind of day. I imagined that it was going to be a nice family, peaceful, and prayerful evening at mass with what was now my family. Knowing that my ex-husband doesn't take long to get ready (even when in the once in a full solar eclipse he actually dresses up-and I mean in more than just sport shorts and a sporty t-shirt or wife-beater shirt) so after I finished cleaning the kitchen from dinner and putting things back in order, I went to the garage with the oldest to let my ex-husband know that his girls would be getting ready and come back down soon to go to mass; that we would all be leaving soon so that he could time when he needed to shower and start getting ready. His response was, he wasn't going to be going to mass because he had to meet with one of his vendors instead but that he was finishing up and would soon be inside the house. I controlled my facial features, questioned again (I'll admit a somewhat cynical manner) that he WAS NOT going with us, and with his quick and persistent response of "babe I'm trying to make us some money and I need to go see the guy," I closed the door that leads into the house from the garage and started to get ready. Call it immature or perhaps naive or even tell me "you shouldn't have assumed," but I would have expected my (then) husband to have had the decency and courtesy of either telling me earlier he wasn't going or had no plans on going period in addition to something like, "I know how you've been feeling so I can drop you girls off and when I'm done with the vendor can pick you girls up." Nothing, nada, zilch! Then he had the audacity to ask me as I'm leaving in a huff to not only make it on time since I was now running late from dealing with nausea while getting ready and also getting the oldest ready, why I was pissed off at him; my only response was "I'm not pissed off, you're just going to make me late, nothing's wrong, good bye. Say bye Daddy baby girl." I teared up on the drive to the church...

Only five minutes late to the mass and there was already practically nowhere to park! The evening had descended with the sky being dark and I had to park far away from the church itself. I would have been skeptical about where I had parked considering that it was only baby girl and I - I felt relief that another mother with three kids and a family of four had parked by me; well that and my Cadillac has the app and remote control for panic, turning it on/off, and locking/unlocking the vehicle. Grabbed the baby bag, unbuckled baby girl, and we walked our 234 steps into the church. Officially thirteen minutes late to the mass upon entering the gathering area of the church and nowhere to sit, not even the usual places that my family and I sit at are available; also with being how important today was and wanting to explain and show baby girl what was happening throughout the mass I didn't want to just sit in the chapel to listen to everything without actually viewing it all. So imagine this, it's the responsorial psalm of the mass, decent size pregnant woman, carrying a stranger danger eighteen month old child who is also half asleep from falling asleep in route to the church...there is no chivalry or gentlemanly manners anymore and this is something definitely for another post because NO ONE and I mean NO ONE got up for me or another woman standing next to me with her three kids. I remember the days when any man whether with his family or not, single or not, would always make sure that the woman had a seat; damn feminist or "I've got it, I don't need men" attitude women ruining it for the feminine respect that was given to us females before!

...finally, after the Gospel and before anyone sat down for the homily, a single man (who looked middle eastern or perhaps Greek-I'm not quite sure) had the decency and kindness to let me take his seat. I smiled apologetically and tried declining, but he insisted, so I sat down and placed baby girl in my lap. We were sitting down at the edge of the row in the very last seat, and I was triple thankful of the spot because baby girl could see everything! It was actually a really good spot. Baby girl was actually surprisingly and wonderfully well behaved the entire time, and she was so attentive during the movement and parts of the mass. Then when it came to the washing of the feet, I was pleasantly surprised of what this particular parish/church did; they actually had the entire congregation (or at least those that wanted to partake of) wash their feet and there was something sweet and humbling about it because it was every person washing the feet of the person in front of them in the line. It was beautiful and I hope that more parishes or at least this specific parish does it again next year. Baby girl was tired that's for sure but she was sweetly quiet and in aww when we visited the Holy Eucharist in the thirty minutes spent in adoration once the mass was over. It was bordering on 10pm and I knew I had to take her home for bed; my hope was that I would be able to return but sadly even I was too tired...

Similar things occurred on Good Friday, it was just baby girl and I. The only difference on that day was that baby girl made friends with this older couple and elderly Asian woman. The Asian woman she kept showing off her little dog doll too and the older couple she talked too after mass when we were walking back to our vehicle. The older couple were even sweet enough to give her two religious images for her very own (the husband was a Deacon and his wife was a volunteer at the church even in her semi crippling movement).

You see I knew meeting my ex-husband that he was not only NOT Catholic but also was not religious in anyway. I even knew when we got married that he most likely was not going to be one to ever convert; that didn't mean that I wouldn't pray for him and hope that one day he may convert to Catholicism or at least live by the Christian faith and moral code. I guess what I'm getting at is, after various people (even a Priest who had his parents being one non-Catholic and the other Catholic) warned me of how hard, not impossibly but truly hard and dedicated you had to be in that type of marriage and relationship...well I just didn't consider it all together. Even when I was saying my vows in the church to my husband, I kept thinking I could handle it and deal with the hurdles of the faith; the fact is I accepted that my ex-husband wasn't Catholic however I hadn't fully absorbed what that meant and how it would define us. That's exactly what I ended up telling my ex-husband when he asked me what was wrong with me. "I'm not upset or angry at you, I just need time to fully absorb and understand what I'm feeling, because I knew that you weren't Catholic nor would I ever force you to convert or change in that manner, but I wasn't counting on how it would affect me...I just need to cope with it so that I can move forward-that even though you've agreed to the fact that I will raise our daughters Catholic and in the Catholic Church, you will still never be truly a part of it all, that it will always just be me and the girls. I know that you attend mass with us on Sundays but that would probably always be the extent of your participation-so on this matter I am alone with the girls."

So, a word to the wise on couples in a similar relationship, engaged, or about to get married; make sure you have the conversation even if it provokes arguments and/or discussions. Don't back down on your beliefs and religious integrity that is a part of you. You need to fully realize the extent of what's being asked of you and your partner when it comes to the religious vocations/practices, otherwise you will truly feel alone as I do. My joy and love for my faith can only be expressed and understood or perhaps appreciated by my girls now and when they are older, as they carry out their baptismal promises from their Catholic Baptism.

Sincerely,

A Distinct Woman 

Late Nights with Baby - General/Family

In this post about my two daughters my oldest will be referred to as woman child and the youngest is baby girl.

It's been a total of three weeks since baby girl was born, and the nights seem to be shorter than ever. I wouldn't say its necessarily because its more tiring, but it really does feel like the days have seemed to be dragging out a lot now. Baby girl is growing expeditiously; it seems almost impossible to tell that she's still a newborn baby meanwhile my woman child daughter is trying to cope with the new changes going on in her life. Specifically, being that Mommy it's around and about as much, well not as much as before because I've forced myself to be moving about for the sake of my woman child.

Breast feeding has been going well and baby girls' appetite continues to grow every week-a little more here and there to then fully get into a transition of more milk the following week. I'm noticing all of the changes in my girls and within myself, but more importantly the changes from being a mom the first get go to being a mom the second time around. What do I mean? So, the nights during my woman's child first month of life was a little more tiring and exhausting for lack of a better term. I'm going to assume it's more for the stress I was under and also the surgery itself because of the physical health I was in with the first pregnancy...therefore nightly feedings were bittersweet for me (the moment I could remember them-once I got over the fogginess of the drugs from the hospital) but I vividly remembering always needing help; whether it was my mother getting the milk ready or doing the feeding herself while I was the one doing the milk prepping Then there was other nights that I couldn't do either because I might've pushed myself harder through the day during and I was just too exhausted at night; that's when my mom would do everything for the feeding time herself.

This time around I guess you could say that I'm actually enjoying the afterglow of pregnancy and delivery. Yes, I'm exhausted but I'm also euphoric because these are things that unfortunately I wasn't able to fully enjoy or appreciate until it was already too late with my woman child. Night feedings with her didn't last at the time because she quickly went into a steady schedule for sleeping through the night from a month on. Granted this time around I don't get to sleep as much during the night but it is bittersweet to see this new baby's eyes looking up at me around 2am in the morning...Her trusting eyes look at me knowing that there's some kind of time difference for her compared to the day, but she knows that she will still be getting the deliciousness that is her breast milk and formula milk. That's when it hit me...

One night-about a month and a half after her birth-I didn't wake my husband because frankly he wouldn't be much help since he would do something than either go back to sleep or he would be half asleep doing something that I needed done five minutes ago (men when they try, they just need to frankly try harder) and since my mother was already doing so much (even when my husband claimed to be "helping"), I made sure that my crying baby girl wouldn't wake anyone...I didn't pump the milk but breast fed her straight. I knew though that I would have to warm up milk for her because I was stressed that week so my milk production wouldn't be enough for her that day...It was a quick breast-feeding time and the moment I took baby girl away from my breast she started to cry. I quickly made sure that all doors were closed and that the people I didn't want to wake up wouldn't be awoken by her cry's. I started to warm up the milk and my baby kept wailing out loud, everything that would help her for a bit didn't help. She was inconsolable even the moment that the milk bottle was ready. I had to try to calm her before even giving her the bottle so that she would take it. I remember that I started to tear up, that I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks as I watched her finally suckling on the bottle nipple. I began to cry harder as I caressed the right side of her face as she ate with her eyes closed. I started imaging the moms with no help or assistance from anyone or family but especially not from a mother of their own...I started thinking about the women who were as surprised as I was when I was first pregnant and after having the baby don't really know what to do...The women that loved their children and tried to do everything possible so that they had enough breast milk for the baby, that they had enough nourishment for their baby...the women who were desperate for help and funds and could either not have the breast milk to provide or financially provide the bottled milk or WORSE not being able to either or - no breast milk or the funds to give their baby. How they must feel in their desperation to console and provide for the baby but have nothing to offer for the times that their child requires more from them or that the feeding portion increased as much as the demand. I was feeling helpless in that moment but thinking of all those solid mother's embracing and trying to do right by their child or children and unable to provide, that's a desolation that I don't wish on a woman who should be in bliss embracing and having the intimate moments with their child.

Since then, I make sure to pray at least one Hail Mary for every mother feeding and nursing their baby...a shout out to all your mothers who have gone through this-your resilient and are only going to be fiercer!

Sincerely,

A Distinct Woman