If you didn't or don't know
already, I'm a practicing Catholic. No don't worry this isn't a post about
religion specifically but it does relay some of the religious aspects in
Catholicism of the traditions of Lent. I digress about that for now until I continue
on about the story in general...
As I had mentioned before,
Valentine's Day was also Ash Wednesday, but with the events of the day plans
got altered. I was feeling a little on the sluggish side, finally getting
out of the nausea period of the pregnancy, so not only did my oldest and I move
at a leisure pace to get out of bed and get ready for the day but our original
plan was to spend the afternoon at my aunt's house with one of my cousins (my oldest had helped me make a Valentine envelope and goody treat for her); we were just going
to drop it off ourselves after getting our ashes. The whole day changed because
of me SO I ended up looking for the latest and nearest Ash Wednesday service
(this means that it's not a full mass-which consists of an hour or longer
mass that has all parts from introduction to concluding rights). The service
would allow for us to have dinner beforehand; my daughter gave our cousin her
Valentine's, and it would allow for me not to be rushing all over the place. I
asked my ex-husband (well husband at that time) if he would be going and I was amazed that he said yes-so
there the trio went to the nearest Catholic church to our house to attend the
6:30pm Ash Wednesday service; the service included the Liturgy of the Word,
Ashes, Liturgy of the Eucharist, and all of the concluding rights and prayers.
The place was so packed with people and cars that we literally parked more than
535 steps away from the main entrance of the church. That said the main church
was so full you couldn't even make it inside the church narthex of the church;
that led us to having the Ash service in what that specific parish calls the
"Parish Hall". Once the service finished, I finished my prayers then
we started to walk out of the Parish Hall and towards our parked vehicle. We
saw my aunt and her family at the church but we weren't able to see them or get a hold of
them after so I told my ex-husand for us to do our own thing for dinner then we would
drop of my cousins Valentine's after we had finished eating - besides it was
getting super late already and I was starving. Don't EVER let a pregnant woman
go past her eating hours and a note to the men who are part of the pregnancy
venture-ALWAYS make sure the pregnant woman has snacks or is fed, don't wait
until she tells you because the bigger she gets and/or the more far along she
gets the more demanding she will be when it comes to food.
After we had
delicious Mi Piada (that day it was our first time trying but now our regular
and favorite spot), I communicated to my aunt that we were looking for them; we
ended up meeting them at the restaurant they were at to drop off the
Valentine's Day large envelope of goodies and made our way home to get my oldest ready for bed and for mommy to relax...On a side note, it's still baffling
and amazing to me how Christians who call themselves Catholics only attend church/mass when it's the
major holidays (such as Lenten/Easter time and/or Christmas/Advent) or that
they think that's the only time TO GO! That really is a post all on its own, so
I'll differ and get to that on a later post...
Since my ex-husband had attended Ash
Wednesday with me, especially since he was self-employed now and able to
attend-not out on a job site or away from home, I was hopeful that I would not
only have assistance during the pregnancy portion that took place during Lent
but that I would have my ex-husband at my side during the Catholic religious
traditions I've done all my life and am passing on to the kiddos...that hope was
sadly extinguished for Holy Week had arrived.
It's easy for anyone to attend Palm
Sunday as it happens to be and fall ON a Sunday, so of course the ex-husband was in
attendance with my oldest and I; it was the rest of the week that it didn't go
as I had thought or anticipated. For the sake of understanding or comprehending
why what happened this specific week is so important or affected me so, I'll
have to elaborate on certain religious aspects of Holy Week and their
importance to the Catholic faith. First off Palm Sunday: Palm Sunday
commentates the arrival of Jesus Christ in Jerusalem to the cheering crowd. The
same crowd that will later be condemning him. This helps the congregation think
about their own commitment and strength in their faith. Asking themselves about
the times when they have been unfaithful to Jesus Christ and/or perhaps
hypocrites. The congregation holds small crosses made out of the palm leaves in
remembrance of the significance of that day many years ago...Maundy Thursday
(aka-Holy Thursday) is a very intimate and long night of the faith during Lent:
this day is in remembrance of the Last Supper, when Jesus washes the feet of
his disciples and established the ceremony of the Eucharist, which is
celebrated at every mass. It's the night in which Jesus is betrayed by Judas in
the Garden. During the mass, the priest features a ceremony of washing twelve
random people among the congregation to commemorate Jesus Christ washing his
disciples feet. Then another significant moment during the mass is consecrating
the oil used for anointing throughout that year to come. What's sadly not
explained or elaborated enough on is the importance of what happens after the
Holy Thursday Mass is ended. The mass closes in silence where the Eucharist is
ceremoniously and respectfully walked around the entire church (symbolic of the
walking to the Garden where Jesus prays with his disciples). Typically (but
depending on the church) after the Holy Eucharist (which Catholics believe to
be our Lord and Savior in the flesh after the moment of transubstantiation in
the mass) is walked throughout the church, the priest will then continue to
walk the Holy Eucharist to the specially adorned chapel or quiet/secluded room
where it's intimately adorned for adoration and meditation/prayer with the
Lord, until midnight, which is when Catholics symbolically believe Jesus Christ
to be alone with the high priests and in jail before he is scourged. We the
people, the congregation are to pray with the Lord during that time from when
he is placed until midnight. Good Friday; one of the most important events in
Christianity where the Passion (the execution and crucifixion of Jesus Christ)
of the Lord is commemorated and the day in the church is typically spent in
mourning/silence. Catholics don't have mass on this day but instead a "service";
another day where we say and have a service, similar to that of Ash Wednesday
(just without the ashes). The Spanish speaking cultures or Latin American
cultures who practice the Catholic faith and traditions of their country
(traditions that have been brought to the Catholic churches of the United
States) make sure that stations of the cross are either done or re-enacted in
respect to the crucifixion of our Lord. Then the service is done at some time
between noon and 3pm (depending on the church/priest/parish). We meditate on
the seven last words uttered by Jesus Christ on the cross with hymns, prayers,
and short sermons, then the service provides only the Eucharist. The cross or a
cross provided by the parish is venerated by respectfully kissing a part of the
cross; if its a crucifix with the image/model of Jesus Christ on it then you
are to pick a spot to kiss him in respect and love, then one of the ushers
wipes it clean after you, for the next person. Holy Saturday is simply spent in
quiet meditation/prayer and fasting in preparations for the Easter Vigil that
will be celebrated late in the night, into Easter Day.
NOW that you have a better idea of
what goes on, I can now finish my story. Holy Thursday had arrived and I was
excited for the evening and in sharing this moment with my oldest who now wasn't just a child being held in the arms but was conscientious of what was going on around her. For one
because she was older and comprehended a lot more than her first year of life
(she was way too small to know, remember, and understand Easter in 2017) but
because she seemed to already have a special relationship with the Lord-it's
hard to believe I know but I'll have to expand on that one in another post at
another time, needless to say she was always reverent and loving toward a
cross, crucifix, image of Mary, the Holy Family, sacred hearts of Jesus and
Mary, as well as the guardian angel images. I got our outfits ready for the
evening that same morning in anticipation and had her (as well as myself)
dressed in casual and comfortable attire for the day in the meantime. We went
about our day and even early on I knew that my ex-husband was busy with trying to
make sales and "tinkering" with some of his products, so I made sure
early on to let him know about the mass in the evening and that it would
actually take longer than a typical Sunday mass. He never responded saying that
he wasn't going to be attending just that he needed to finish some things
before and hopefully he would finish them in time...considering that he was
going in and out of the house, then didn't eat lunch with us, didn't spend any
time with baby girl and I, didn't help me inside the house whether upstairs or
downstairs, nor did he make dinner for us but instead I made sure to prep,
cook, and make dinner for us prior to what I knew the mass time was (7pm).
My ex-husband ate dinner with us but then proceeded to go back outside and
"tinker"; but he made sure to be inside on the couch (cooling off he
said), talked to yes a few clients but a good amount of calls were to his
"buddies" who he likes to chat up with, then spent a good amount of
time playing on his phone...my assumption was that he would be or was finishing
up and would be able to drive us and help me with our oldest since I did already
have a good size tummy in this part of the pregnancy and I had complained some
that week of back pain as well as feeling a little off (as far as exhaustion
went), then again it also had a lot to do that the little one inside was extra active and wanting
to do things around the house kind of day. I imagined that it was going to be a
nice family, peaceful, and prayerful evening at mass with what was now my
family. Knowing that my ex-husband doesn't take long to get ready (even when in
the once in a full solar eclipse he actually dresses up-and I mean in more than
just sport shorts and a sporty t-shirt or wife-beater shirt) so after I finished cleaning the
kitchen from dinner and putting things back in order, I went to the garage with the oldest to let my ex-husband know that his girls would be getting ready and come back
down soon to go to mass; that we would all be leaving soon so that he could
time when he needed to shower and start getting ready. His response was, he
wasn't going to be going to mass because he had to meet with one of his vendors
instead but that he was finishing up and would soon be inside the house. I
controlled my facial features, questioned again (I'll admit a somewhat
cynical manner) that he WAS NOT going with us, and with his quick and
persistent response of "babe I'm trying to make us some money and I need
to go see the guy," I closed the door that leads into the house from the
garage and started to get ready. Call it immature or perhaps naive or even tell
me "you shouldn't have assumed," but I would have expected my (then) husband
to have had the decency and courtesy of either telling me earlier he wasn't
going or had no plans on going period in addition to something like, "I
know how you've been feeling so I can drop you girls off and when I'm done with
the vendor can pick you girls up." Nothing, nada, zilch! Then he had the
audacity to ask me as I'm leaving in a huff to not only make it on time since I
was now running late from dealing with nausea while getting ready and also getting the oldest ready, why I was pissed off at him; my only response was "I'm
not pissed off, you're just going to make me late, nothing's wrong, good bye.
Say bye Daddy baby girl." I teared up on the drive to the church...
Only five minutes late to the mass
and there was already practically nowhere to park! The evening had descended
with the sky being dark and I had to park far away from the church itself. I
would have been skeptical about where I had parked considering that it was only
baby girl and I - I felt relief that another mother with three kids and a
family of four had parked by me; well that and my Cadillac has the app and
remote control for panic, turning it on/off, and locking/unlocking the vehicle.
Grabbed the baby bag, unbuckled baby girl, and we walked our 234 steps into the
church. Officially thirteen minutes late to the mass upon entering the
gathering area of the church and nowhere to sit, not even the usual places that
my family and I sit at are available; also with being how important today was
and wanting to explain and show baby girl what was happening throughout the
mass I didn't want to just sit in the chapel to listen to everything without
actually viewing it all. So imagine this, it's the responsorial psalm of the mass, decent
size pregnant woman, carrying a stranger danger eighteen month old child who is
also half asleep from falling asleep in route to the church...there is no
chivalry or gentlemanly manners anymore and this is something definitely for
another post because NO ONE and I mean NO ONE got up for me or another woman
standing next to me with her three kids. I remember the days when any man
whether with his family or not, single or not, would always make sure that the
woman had a seat; damn feminist or "I've got it, I don't need men"
attitude women ruining it for the feminine respect that was given to us females before!
...finally, after the Gospel and before anyone sat down for the homily, a
single man (who looked middle eastern or perhaps Greek-I'm not quite sure) had
the decency and kindness to let me take his seat. I smiled apologetically and
tried declining, but he insisted, so I sat down and placed baby girl in my lap.
We were sitting down at the edge of the row in the very last seat, and I was
triple thankful of the spot because baby girl could see everything! It was
actually a really good spot. Baby girl was actually surprisingly and
wonderfully well behaved the entire time, and she was so attentive during the
movement and parts of the mass. Then when it came to the washing of the feet, I
was pleasantly surprised of what this particular parish/church did; they
actually had the entire congregation (or at least those that wanted to partake
of) wash their feet and there was something sweet and humbling about it because
it was every person washing the feet of the person in front of them in the
line. It was beautiful and I hope that more parishes or at least this specific
parish does it again next year. Baby girl was tired that's for sure but she was
sweetly quiet and in aww when we visited the Holy Eucharist in the thirty
minutes spent in adoration once the mass was over. It was bordering on 10pm and
I knew I had to take her home for bed; my hope was that I would be able to
return but sadly even I was too tired...
Similar things occurred on Good
Friday, it was just baby girl and I. The only difference on that day was that
baby girl made friends with this older couple and elderly Asian woman. The
Asian woman she kept showing off her little dog doll too and the older couple
she talked too after mass when we were walking back to our vehicle. The older
couple were even sweet enough to give her two religious images for her very own
(the husband was a Deacon and his wife was a volunteer at the church even in
her semi crippling movement).
You see I knew meeting my ex-husband
that he was not only NOT Catholic but also was not religious in anyway. I even
knew when we got married that he most likely was not going to be one to ever
convert; that didn't mean that I wouldn't pray for him and hope that one day he
may convert to Catholicism or at least live by the Christian faith and moral code. I guess what I'm getting at is, after various
people (even a Priest who had his parents being one non-Catholic and the other
Catholic) warned me of how hard, not impossibly but truly hard and dedicated
you had to be in that type of marriage and relationship...well I just didn't
consider it all together. Even when I was saying my vows in the church to my
husband, I kept thinking I could handle it and deal with the hurdles of the
faith; the fact is I accepted that my ex-husband wasn't Catholic however I hadn't
fully absorbed what that meant and how it would define us. That's exactly what
I ended up telling my ex-husband when he asked me what was wrong with me.
"I'm not upset or angry at you, I just need time to fully absorb and
understand what I'm feeling, because I knew that you weren't Catholic nor would
I ever force you to convert or change in that manner, but I wasn't counting on
how it would affect me...I just need to cope with it so that I can move
forward-that even though you've agreed to the fact that I will raise our
daughters Catholic and in the Catholic Church, you will still
never be truly a part of it all, that it will always just be me and the girls.
I know that you attend mass with us on Sundays but that would probably always
be the extent of your participation-so on this matter I am alone with the
girls."
So, a word to the wise on couples in
a similar relationship, engaged, or about to get married; make sure you have
the conversation even if it provokes arguments and/or discussions. Don't back
down on your beliefs and religious integrity that is a part of you. You need
to fully realize the extent of what's being asked of you and your partner when
it comes to the religious vocations/practices, otherwise you will truly feel
alone as I do. My joy and love for my faith can only be expressed and understood
or perhaps appreciated by my girls now and when they are older, as they carry out their baptismal promises from their Catholic Baptism.
Sincerely,
A Distinct Woman
