Late Nights with Baby - General/Family

In this post about my two daughters my oldest will be referred to as woman child and the youngest is baby girl.

It's been a total of three weeks since baby girl was born, and the nights seem to be shorter than ever. I wouldn't say its necessarily because its more tiring, but it really does feel like the days have seemed to be dragging out a lot now. Baby girl is growing expeditiously; it seems almost impossible to tell that she's still a newborn baby meanwhile my woman child daughter is trying to cope with the new changes going on in her life. Specifically, being that Mommy it's around and about as much, well not as much as before because I've forced myself to be moving about for the sake of my woman child.

Breast feeding has been going well and baby girls' appetite continues to grow every week-a little more here and there to then fully get into a transition of more milk the following week. I'm noticing all of the changes in my girls and within myself, but more importantly the changes from being a mom the first get go to being a mom the second time around. What do I mean? So, the nights during my woman's child first month of life was a little more tiring and exhausting for lack of a better term. I'm going to assume it's more for the stress I was under and also the surgery itself because of the physical health I was in with the first pregnancy...therefore nightly feedings were bittersweet for me (the moment I could remember them-once I got over the fogginess of the drugs from the hospital) but I vividly remembering always needing help; whether it was my mother getting the milk ready or doing the feeding herself while I was the one doing the milk prepping Then there was other nights that I couldn't do either because I might've pushed myself harder through the day during and I was just too exhausted at night; that's when my mom would do everything for the feeding time herself.

This time around I guess you could say that I'm actually enjoying the afterglow of pregnancy and delivery. Yes, I'm exhausted but I'm also euphoric because these are things that unfortunately I wasn't able to fully enjoy or appreciate until it was already too late with my woman child. Night feedings with her didn't last at the time because she quickly went into a steady schedule for sleeping through the night from a month on. Granted this time around I don't get to sleep as much during the night but it is bittersweet to see this new baby's eyes looking up at me around 2am in the morning...Her trusting eyes look at me knowing that there's some kind of time difference for her compared to the day, but she knows that she will still be getting the deliciousness that is her breast milk and formula milk. That's when it hit me...

One night-about a month and a half after her birth-I didn't wake my husband because frankly he wouldn't be much help since he would do something than either go back to sleep or he would be half asleep doing something that I needed done five minutes ago (men when they try, they just need to frankly try harder) and since my mother was already doing so much (even when my husband claimed to be "helping"), I made sure that my crying baby girl wouldn't wake anyone...I didn't pump the milk but breast fed her straight. I knew though that I would have to warm up milk for her because I was stressed that week so my milk production wouldn't be enough for her that day...It was a quick breast-feeding time and the moment I took baby girl away from my breast she started to cry. I quickly made sure that all doors were closed and that the people I didn't want to wake up wouldn't be awoken by her cry's. I started to warm up the milk and my baby kept wailing out loud, everything that would help her for a bit didn't help. She was inconsolable even the moment that the milk bottle was ready. I had to try to calm her before even giving her the bottle so that she would take it. I remember that I started to tear up, that I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks as I watched her finally suckling on the bottle nipple. I began to cry harder as I caressed the right side of her face as she ate with her eyes closed. I started imaging the moms with no help or assistance from anyone or family but especially not from a mother of their own...I started thinking about the women who were as surprised as I was when I was first pregnant and after having the baby don't really know what to do...The women that loved their children and tried to do everything possible so that they had enough breast milk for the baby, that they had enough nourishment for their baby...the women who were desperate for help and funds and could either not have the breast milk to provide or financially provide the bottled milk or WORSE not being able to either or - no breast milk or the funds to give their baby. How they must feel in their desperation to console and provide for the baby but have nothing to offer for the times that their child requires more from them or that the feeding portion increased as much as the demand. I was feeling helpless in that moment but thinking of all those solid mother's embracing and trying to do right by their child or children and unable to provide, that's a desolation that I don't wish on a woman who should be in bliss embracing and having the intimate moments with their child.

Since then, I make sure to pray at least one Hail Mary for every mother feeding and nursing their baby...a shout out to all your mothers who have gone through this-your resilient and are only going to be fiercer!

Sincerely,

A Distinct Woman