Don't Create "Jealous" Children - General/Family

I never understood when I used to hear classmates say that they were jealous of their siblings, or when I would see how some parents would make statements like "he/she is always pulling her siblings toys or has these jealous like tantrums-they're just still adjusting to the new sibling" or the "they're just still learning each other and you know boys will be boys" or "she was used to being our only princess so we think its hard on her now with the new sister, I'm sure she'll get used to it..." There's really so many more other statements I've heard but not going to repeat them all! 

What am I getting at you may ask? Simply this, the child adjusting to the new baby is paying attention to YOUR statements and YOUR vibes...so if the siblings begin to have a "jealous streak" it's because of you, the parent! I feel that jealousy among siblings is something that transferred or created by the parent/s not necessarily because the child actually feels that emotion. I'm not saying this is a fact, it's just based off of my observation of other parents and their parenting style in addition to witnessing that of my own household with my kids. You see my oldest was still basically a baby when I was pregnant again, therefore I knew that though my oldest was used to my doting on her and also all my attention focused on her, I decided to try to make a bridge so to speak, between my kids...

I started to have my oldest partake in certain chores with me, so that I was still spending time with her but not necessarily doting time on her. This was a good way to transfer regular house chores into helping me once her sibling came into the picture. Another thing that I feel was important was the invisible bonding that I was trying to bring into play. Once the baby inside me was kicking and you could really feel it placing a hand on my tummy, I started developing these unwinding times with my oldest. Usually before nap time and always before bed, I would make myself comfortable on this one couch in my parents house and have my oldest in the v-of my legs. I would position my oldest in a manner that was comfortable to her and wouldn't put pressure on her sibling inside me! I started noticing a routine during these moments. The baby on the inside at specific moments of laughter would move inside me almost closer to her older sibling. When my oldest would move in a manner that would cause me a slight twinge of discomfort the baby inside would start to kick at the exact location where the older sibling would move her little ahead and get comfortable somewhere else. This was something that continued on until the youngest came out.

So when the baby was born she not only recognized her older siblings voice but always sensed her presence and touch. It was fascinating and spellbinding for me to witness each and every time, hell even to this moment they still do that! 

Granted the first two weeks were a slight hard on my oldest, but the adjustment phase was more due to adjusting to a crying baby when hungry and the new sleep pattern of her mommy! Otherwise the kiddos would gravitate to each other without concern and my oldest was becoming comfortable in her older sibling role! Snuggle time with my oldest she knew we still had but that other times during the day was snuggle time for the three of us. Another example of time spent together without concern would be during breast feeding. I dont know how some women can just whip out a boob and start breast feeding in front of the smaller siblings, first off if they aren't curious or dont even know what's going on with the boobs and boob milk than why the fuck would I want to bring that curiosity on now-I would rather wait until they're at the age where they are understanding better their boobs (well for females anyway). So I managed to cover up adequately during the daily feeding time of the new baby and would have my oldest, again in the v-of my legs, so I could read her books while her baby sibling ate. My oldest never was once asked what I was doing with the baby or why I was awkwardly covered, my oldest was just more excited about reading together and thought that her baby sibling was also listening to. 

I got to watch closely how my ex-husbands upbringing was with one mom, three different father figures, and two siblings from two other dads...I wouldn't say there was jealousy among the brothers but from and outsider looking in, there wasn't a truly nurturing loving bond between all three of those boys. Between watching that dynamic and my never (even to this day) and I mean never having been jealous of my sister-I vowed that I would never be the contributor to that sentiment between my kids...

So I dont know about many of you, but start small and the rewards are great at the end. Don't feed into what everyone in society claims to be "normal" because jealousy among siblings is most definitely not normal. Also make sure to include your oldest child in the chores of what you're doing for the new baby, that way they partake in the time of the parents and dont necessarily feel lonely or that time isn't being spent with them. 

Sincerely,

A Distinct Woman