The Start of Family Dynamics - Family/General/Society

Please leave all the "Woke Movement" and the gender war that continues to fester/evolve/progress in society out of my blog and especially this post, because regardless of religion science proves that chromosomes of a woman are what dictate the gender that also CAN get pregnant. Thank you so much and have a great day/night! Now officially starting this post :)

I don't know if I've said it before or not, however I will say that you'll probably hear it again and again from me...there is no book or manual to being a parent. I know, there's so much material on the shelves or via e-books, regarding "What to Expect When You're Expecting" or books claiming on trying to be helpful in parental methods as children grow up. First off, the same way that a "knight in shining amor" is a fallacy there are literally NO books or material out there that can assist you to be the best parent or to be "fully prepared for pregnancy" and thereafter. Sorry, if you want to buy into that bullshit be my guest and waste money on books you won't need. Granted I didn't say that the material out there isn't informative and can perhaps help a percentage of the world! However, why go outside of your family and/or friends within your circle, when they are going to be the best source of information! 

I mean if doctors aren't already telling you at your OBGYN appointment-your pregnancy is going to be 100% different than the next pregnant woman who enters; everything will vary and nothing and I mean nothing will be the same, perhaps similar but definitely not the same! So from your first sonogram/blood work/pregnancy test indicating your pregnant start talking to the oldest woman in your female or friend and get some one-on-one time with them. The same statement applies for post delivery, it's a fact that you are 100% not like any other mother from that moment forward; perhaps similarities with other mothers but still definitely not the same. Correction the only thing that's the same with another woman who is pregnant is only two things; whether the delivery was executed via naturally or involving surgery with a c-section delivery. You then get another wonderful fact of also being 100% different in your parenting ways...as young as I was when I had my first child I've noticed then and throughout the years that no one mother is the same in their motherly ways/methods, whether that's through education or upbringing. I can't keep reiterating enough, you are and will never be like someone else and ya know what why would you wanna be?! Then the baby's doctor (Pediatrician) will also or should be telling you that you're baby will be 100% NOT like any other boy or girl...again perhaps similarities to other babies in their growth but nothing close to the "same". 

OK so where am I going with this you might be asking, or banging your head on a wall of some kind till I get to the point. Thanks for your patience on my above tangent before finally getting to my point! Now I can get into the details of it all..with some visual affects as well. So below is a video of one of my kids, only about six or seven months old and already using utensils as well as not eating sloppy or messy as other parents allow. I've seen friends kids, known acquaintances kids, and even out in public events or restaurants where parents just allow their kids to be as sloppy as possible without any care in the world in the mannerism or at least trying to help provide the structure early on in their eating habit. It's those types of kids that give the rest of the mannered, educated, and overall wanting to learn kids a bad rep/name especially for in public. 

I find that the phrase "kids are resilient" resonates in my head for something as small as this. Many people will say when their kids are messy and creating a mess on the table/high chair table top, "oh they're just being kids". Those same parents will be whining and complaining when those same kids as their older don't even know how to pick up after themselves in their rooms and/or throughout the house. All because a parent will be thinking "oh they're only kids once," or again "they're just being kids", or "isn't that cute" especially after a mess is made with the child having their cupcake and frosting all over their face and clothes (or on their naked chests for some families that allow it) as well as all over the floor...Can you tell that this irks me some (sarcastic tone by the way) :p 

Anyway, the point is that a parent shouldn't just follow what someone else does because from the moment of conception and even post birth, the mother (or parents in general) as well as the child are nothing like anyone else. Therefore, what works for you may not work for another or what works for your child/children may not work for other children; however, the basis should remain the same for all parents, to create a stable foundation for the child in not only their home environment but also in their upbringing/child rearing/instilling discipline, proper exposure to people and external environments outside of their home while most importantly making sure that you are educating in all aspects a well rounded person to be able to succeed little by little in their growth as well as reinforcing what becomes their personality and character. And yes something as simple as how a baby/child eats is the start of it all...at least how I've seen anyway...

I'll admit that the above wasn't just about providing personal opinion but also my way of venting on how I continue to see parents screw up the future individuals who I fear will be our leaders and supposed to be taking care of us as we get older...yea SO NOT feeling reassured in the least...that being said, I can now go off on a few others tangents in other posts that tie or stem from this one :) 

Sincerely,

A Distinct Woman 

Prego Lady vs Hospital - Health

I've heard stories and seen some interesting things happen in doctor's offices, ER hallways as well as waiting rooms, and overall on how a patient is treated. Don't misconstrue this post by falsely stating or thinking that I'm attacking the medical field, because I'm not; my sole intent is to educate those who feel that they can't disagree with a doctor or that they feel they can't be provided with other options in the  moment of truth (aka when a medical decision has to be made-so here we go...The following is also a continuation from the occurrence in the post titled "A Crying Scare". 

So after we checked into the Labor and Delivery department/floor of the hospital, we were finally settled into a room - time was around 4am. The irony (and what felt a little doom like to me at that moment), was that I was checked into the same room I had my first daughter in...It made me a little uneasy entering that room once the deja-vu became a "I was in this room two years ago", where things went south on my first pregnancy. The fact that my ex-husband (at that time husband) was actually with me for this delivery this time unlike our first daughter's birth. His presence helped but that sense of security was easily taken away hours later the same day of checking in...

An hour after the night shift swapped over to the day staff, we were told that they would wait for the doctor on call (meaning my actual OBGYN doctor was not available at that time, so another doctor in that same doctor's office would be overseeing my file). The wait began while the medical staff (nurses on the floor of the Labor & Delivery wing) continued to monitor my daughter and I; thankfully the scare I had of her showing no movement was nothing serious and we were told that there was nothing wrong with either of us nor was there anything life threatening. Baby girl #2 was healthy, whole, and safely tucked inside; Mommy was healthy, whole, contracting as she should, her water hadn't broken, with minimal to no dilation...still no where close to having a baby come out but a good start to getting there.  

Unfortunately, because of how wonderfully comfortable hospital beds are, especially the ones in Labor & Delivery (please imagine a sarcastic drawl with this statement) true rest wasn't found and the nurses interruptions (bless their hearts) weren't helping either; I was getting angry alone on just wanting sleep! The multiplying factor that was making it worse was that my ex-husband and I were discussing a few things and it wasn't even yet 9am (supposedly when the doctor on call would arrive). The bad experiences of this day were only beginning because I was quickly getting annoyed with the hospitals main concern which was how they were going to get paid. 

I do understand that billing needs information and that providing a form of payment for services is important but how on earth is a patient supposed to rest and keep her blood pressure low or lowered when she's already stressed due to other factors including that of the monetary. I think ideally your partner/SO (significant other)/spouse or whoever is with you, would be assisting in that matter to help the patient; again that's ideally or one would hope, but it won't necessarily be what happens. This day for me was exhibit A of that, but I shall digress and move on to the main focal point of this post. It was baffling to me how many times the administration office was coming into my room as well as even going out of their way to CALL MY HOSPITAL ROOM when they didn't make their presence known in my room. I was fuming not only from contraction pain but because the administration rep decided to pop her ugly face back into my room for the fourth time in a two and a half hour window. She wanted an answer to how the bill would be taken care of and that a deposit was required. Ironically this fourth attempt was during a routine review by my nurse to check on the baby and I. I remember asking my nurse, "can she just not wait until I've seen the doctor to come back, so that I even have a better understanding of what the plan is since my water hasn't broke and seems like the contractions aren't even close enough together for a 'here comes the baby' panic." My nurse looked at me sympathetically while smiling, "I know I'm so sorry. I did message the on call doctor though and she'll be coming in soon."

My day nurse leaves and the damn administration lady re-enters my room. I finally tell her, "I've already paid my OBYGN's fee for delivery in full and when I asked their office if there was anything else needed, they assured me that it was to be discussed and outlined until delivery. So you can either leave now and leave me a number to call, AFTER (and I had put a lot of emphasis on that word) I've spoken to the doctor because for all I know she's going to discharge me. Otherwise I will walk out right now and make sure to report the hostile like nature and pressure you're placing on a women in labor. My husband can answer about the deposit information you're needing, but I need rest meanwhile and you're only pushing to provoke complications to a normal situation at this moment, as you can see from the machine (and I pointed to the readings)." My ex-husband made some interjections so I was already more than exhausted and I got tired of waiting for him to say something more to appease or at least provide her the answer she was looking for to shut her up and get her gone. So yes one could say that I ended up putting my husband on the spot, but I didn't care at that moment since my baby was my focus and he could have easily answered her inquiries about finances; he needed to be an adult in that moment. I remember closing my eyes and hearing their voices but I was wonderfully tuning them out.

I heard the click of the solid hospital room close and opened my eyes to see my ex-husband walking back to the couch near the window of the very large delivery hospital room. I'm waiting for him to let me know what he discussed with the woman, but I figured he probably thought I was sleeping. I finally asked him what was discussed, then he begins to relay the information. He said that he provided her with the response that we would be providing a deposit of a certain amount and would be paying the rest in payments. At least I didn't have to worry about my OBYGN's doctor bill and the crew involved for the delivery; I made damn sure that was taken care of. 

With my eyes closed I began to hypothesize how this delivery and the post-delivery treatment would go compared to that of my first daughter. Why would I even be thinking that you ask? Well you see, I was working full time and at an engineering firm when I became pregnant with my first daughter and up until I left that stable job to be a full time stay at home mom with my oldest daughter, my oldest daughter and I were always on health insurance (thanks to my job). My ex-husband didn't care nor did he find it important for us to acquire health insurance after my resignation nor even after becoming aware of my second pregnancy. I wasn't in agreeance with his thought process but I went along with it as he was the "sole provider". You see with my eldest's delivery there was an extensive amount of claims put to my insurance, especially after having her in the NICU for a week after delivery. Yet her and my care were to the upmost attention and secured feeling of care; that may have also something to do with the severity of the whole delivery overall, but still I was delivering at a top of line and rated Labor & Delivery facility/hospital. So my thought process was leading me to wonder how things would be this round considering we had no health insurance and everything was out of pocket. I've heard that there isn't supposed to be a change in how you're treated but that you're treated in health care facilities, but boy is that statement wrong and I found out first hand too! Needless to say that outside of the nurses staffed to care for me, it was a complete Dr. Jekyll & Mr Hide regarding the post-delivery location AND in how the pediatrician (former now for both daughters) "cared" for my new baby post-delivery. So the whole hospital treats everyone equally no matter their stature and status is misleading and inaccurate, since from the moment they were made aware we didn't have health insurance, their treatment of us was disappointing to say the least, if not downright distasteful. Again I have to stress that this is all outside of my personal nurse assigned to my room and my actual OBGYN doctor (not even the on call doctor). Before I get too far ahead of the explanation, allow me to rewind and playback to a little after my nap.    

The doctor on call (pardon my French) was a complete bitch, being of no help and also contributing to new levels of high blood pressure. Instead of giving me relief and actually LISTENING to her patient and the patients needs, the damn doctor on call (in place of my actual OBGYN doctor) seemed more intent on closing a patient in her docket to get the payment for delivery. You see I was informed by the nuisance of a representative from accounting, that no matter the balance already paid in full to my actual OBGYN for the services involving the delivery, I would have to pay even more as the doctor on call's rate was different, therefore would lead to a new balance being owed. Excuse me and what the f***?! This is information that isn't provided to mother's to be or even patients, to better inform them of experiences that may occur and affect their financial planning towards a new life entering the world. Whether or not any of this was an indication for not having actual health insurance, I can't say but it still wasn't sitting well with me. She was a petite, blond doctor with a narrow-like face and she seemed to be one of those doctors who extensively cared for their appearance-you know the ones that you feel deep down in your gut that your money pays for all their luxuries and it's not about their need to help others but it's about the money-that type of "feeling". I shall digress and continue...

She seemed to be thorough in the information she provided in her explanation of my evaluation, however why does a doctor want to force you to have the baby if there are no current red flags or emergencies required. Everyone kept reassuring me that both the baby and I were safe and healthy and that there wasn't a need to concern ourselves with an emergency delivery of any kind. So I point blank began questions the doctor and here's how the dialogue began:

Me: "I don't understand, so is there a underlying condition I'm not being made aware of that requires me to deliver my baby today?" 

Doctor on Call: "No, you shouldn't stress yourself in concern as you and the baby are both healthy and doing well. The bloodwork is fine, the readings on the baby look good, your contractions are minimal but seem to begin a going into delivery state; I took longer to come in to see you because I was waiting for your urine results especially from your previous delivery-so your kidney's look well but there is a little count of protein being leaked into the urine, so we should prep you for a C-section." 

Me: "So are you saying that there is enough protein leaking into my urine that we need to have a C-section today?"

Doctor on Call: "No, I'm not stating that. What I am saying is that the little count of protein in your urine is an indicator to me that you will need to deliver this week-"

(I interrupted her) Me: "Ok, I can understand this week at some time but I'm asking about today, because you came in here making me concerned for my baby and I by stating that I needed to be prepped to deliver today, but your now telling me that it's just a concern for you. No offense but I don't know you, I'm sure your a great doctor but I trust my OBGYN. Her and I already had a delivery plan and course of action especially taking into account all the occurrences from the last pregnancy. So I understand you're covering for her however, my understanding from the nurse is that she would be back on duty the day after tomorrow. I would prefer to just wait until she comes in."

Doctor on Call: "I understand you and your doctor may have discussed a course of action, but I'm sure as you well know that things can change in an instant especially with pregnancies. I've seen this various time in regards to the minimal or low levels of protein in the urine and that quickly escalate the situation to an emergency, so it's better to have the baby sooner rather than later because things could get worse."

Me: "Doctor I'm well aware of things getting worse and the potential for things to get worse, I flat lined in my last delivery so I don't see anything getting much worse than that-but I just asked you, are the levels high enough to even warrant concern or to prompt for an emergency C-section and you said no. So to be blunt I would rather wait for my doctor who returns tomorrow to evaluate my baby and I, so that the more time my baby has cooking the better."

She obviously didn't like my responses because her facial expressions went from composure to strained and annoyance, but that wasn't the end because she still had the audacity to continue!

Doctor on Call: "Perhaps you want to discuss this with your husband, I can leave you to think things over while I go see another room and when I come back you can give me your verdict. You seem like a very intellectual woman so I'm sure you'll make the best decision." (she said standing up from the rolling stool.)

What the f***, I just gave you my decision! So why would someone have to make that statement.

Me: "Last I checked I'm the one with the baby inside and delivering, besides if my husband had any objections I'm sure he would have interjected by now, he's not one to just stay quiet." 

We both turned to him and I said his name aloud.

Husband: "I think my wife already answered but I will add by saying that can't you just continue to monitor her urine and if the levels do begin to cause concern then we can actually discuss C-section prepping for delivery. In the meantime, we can wait for our actual doctor."

She most definitely DID NOT like that statement but she had to comply in a fashion.

Doctor on Call: "Those are continuous tests though and would add up on the hospital bill."

Husband: "We're not concerned about the added cost, but even if that was the concern we aren't going to risk having the baby early because of it."

Yup she DID NOT by any means like the direction it all went and you know what, I never saw her again. By the time an actual doctor came into my hospital room it was because my actual OBGYN doctor was back on shift and checking the baby and I. My OBGYN said I was definitely dilated in preparation for a natural delivery even though my water had broken so my body was getting ready and it seemed like the baby was ready to come out. So in my pushing back and waiting, I still let nature takes it's natural course so that there would be less unnecessary issues in the aftermath of both our overall health. I didn't have to worry about medication to provoke my body to prepare fully for labor and other items in preparation for delivery earlier than intended. Instead it was a seamless prepping for labor, all within literally a five hour window.

I started to reminisce though, thinking back when that on call doctor walked out of my hospital room...How many women on a daily basis that may or may not have the funds or the ability to pay for their medical bills, blindly trust what the doctor tells them at that moment, without inquiring. It's not that I don't trust doctors but when it came to this occurrence, it was blatantly clear that I DO trust my doctor and my instinct. I had to use every resource I had as a woman, a mother, and as a human being needing care. My head understood the reason brought forth from the on call doctor and since my heart was being put through the ringer with everything going on in general (my ex-husband and his stupid family BS, finances, post-delivery concerns), the only part of me to provide the unanimous vote was my feminine intuition (which has never been wrong or done me wrong before). 

My OBGYN and colleagues were the same as any other occasion and even like the first delivery, making me laugh, an environment of joy, and I was even lucky enough to have the same doctor to stitch me up. There was no concern for status or monetary means in that room and with that staff to deliver my baby. Now the pediatrician was a WHOLE other issue; she didn't even treat my youngest in her "observation" technique as she did for my oldest-yes I understand the relationship of pediatrician and patient is unique but she literally only popped in once post delivery and never even answered in person any of the concerns I was mentioned while I was still in the hospital; she was nowhere near attentive as I heard her in the other rooms. Her bill for services for delivery would be mailed in so guess it's different than when you have insurance in this regard. To top the whole experience off, recover post-delivery was odd. The room was nothing like the first delivery (when I had health insurance) so small in comparison and you couldn't even fit a sofa bed (the bench seat alone was like half the size of the usual window benches in hospital rooms that can be converted into a bed. The bathroom was small and to make matters worse in JUNE, it felt like our room had no AC. We put in a request the first night when we noticed the temperature never getting cooler and the hospital did nothing, not even when I requested if we could be moved because I was concerned for the hot temperatures; one in part for me sutures and to avoid infection and the second for concern of it being too hot of an environment for the baby. Needless to say that we remained in the same room until we were discharged...

Ladies, soon to be moms, pregnant woman...I know that doctor's are medically trained and taught to assist us in the best way possible (given the means and the circumstances) however, within good and sound reasoning, if nothing is wrong and everything is ok with your baby and you, YOU have control of the treatment you're given and what the hospital does. The doctor, the nurse, and even the hospital can't force you to do anything you don't want to do if there is no medical reasoning to dictate the prompted decision by the doctor. Don't be afraid to ask questions or to seem like your doubting or questioning your doctor. Be inquisitive and ask everything that you need to and want to. Whatever you do, you should do for the better of your health, but especially that of your child! Don't let the medical field bully you into delivering early, or drugging you, or putting your baby at risk if there's no need for it...the medical field with all of their advances and staff of experience are all human, but the good doctors make sure their patient comes first! 

Sincerely,

A Distinct Woman

A Crying Scare

I've been through different things and different levels of emotions in my life but nothing compared to what I felt during the night, three days before I delivered by second daughter. You see, my original due date was basically the first week in July, but instead because of healthy precautions that my doctor was taking, we were going to deliver close to the July date designated, but not at the forty week mark. Therefore I felt that I physically had enough time to prepare for the delivery. Boy was I ever wrong!

The year 2018 and the Friday before I delivered my second daughter, I was already oddly in pain and feeling a variety of unknown physical variables-many of which weren't anything I had known or ever experienced with my first daughter. I was physically exhausted and felt more heavy than any other day during the pregnancy, I was waddling uncontrollably, my back was hurting from the weight of the baby, I was feeling nothing close to Braxton hicks (as I had experiences with my first) but full on contractions - definitely more painful and persistent where nothing was making them go away- and then finally twice I thought my water had broke. Because of my oldest and I know my not completing what I thought would help prepare the arrival of her sister, I went about my day until I knew for sure that the contractions were close enough together to warrant going into the hospital. So my day continued on like any other with my mom and my oldest daughter...I will admit though that I was definitely even more moody that day. Deciding to let my husband (at that time as he is now my ex-husband) finish up working on his truck without us women around, my mom and I had decided to go visit my aunt and cousins that weren't far from the house. He was tinkering on his truck again and I didn’t know what for this round since it was another new truck and there wasn’t anything wrong that I was made aware of…apologies squirrel moment and I digress…So the afternoon and evening was spent with my cousins at my aunts house. I remember that at one point I had to tell my aunt how I was feeling so I could have some assistance if needed, without the panic or concern mode I knew my mom would go into.

Well the day finally ended and the evening  routine began-prepping my eldest for bed. After she was ready for bed I then proceeded to do my own nightly ritual; fixing the bed, washing my face, brushing my teeth, then fixing both my daughters bed and then our bedroom bed. I was still feeling odd or off whack, for lack of a better term, and even my oldest daughter started to act funny...she became uncontrollably clingy to me, that any movement I made from trying to rock her to sleep and leave, she would quickly awaken and try to get me to stay. I then took her into our bedroom to our bed…after a few minutes and thinking that she was peacefully and deeply asleep, she once again awoke to grab my hand while crying so I could stay, her realizing that my breath wasn't near her head/face; my husband couldn't even console or help her but it was getting to the point of my not even able to get up from bed to use the bathroom! So in order for me to have gone to the bathroom I had to literally go downstairs to the first floor and hand her to my mother while I used the bathroom; that was the only thing that would console her and give her comfort. My mother was the only person that she was able to calmly be with while she wasn't with me. Then when I was out of the bathroom and headed to bed, I had to have her with me and falling asleep with me...and that's where she stayed until about 1:15am. At 1:15am I had to move to the guest bedroom bed because between both my husband and oldest daughter, I was being kicked out of the bed! Thankfully my oldest was in deep REM sleep so my departure didn’t disturb her. At that moment I still felt my baby belly move or shift around, while walking to the guest bedroom and settled in a comfortable spot to fall asleep and rest…after of course relieving myself again in the bathroom. Prego women out there know exactly how annoying this part can be 😋

I oddly woke up again around 2:30am because I felt the sensation of needing to use the bathroom again. So there I go, big belly and all, when I noticed as I made my way back to bed that the baby hadn't budged or shifted as she usually did when I would use the bathroom. I made a mental note and then tucked myself in bed (more like rolly pollied my way back into the bed and fixed myself into what was the most comfortable position possible and tried to go back to sleep; except when I would rub my belly, the baby was still not making any movement. She would usually nudge me in someway when I would rub my belly and she wasn't doing it at all. I stayed calm thinking that maybe it was just my overall panic of the delivery date being close by, financial stress already, the fact that I thought I had my water broken since earlier, etc. I could even almost hear a doctor and my husbands voice in my head saying “babies in the belly fall asleep too”, but this was also intuitive for me, my mom had always reinforced to trust my instincts pre pregnancies and especially post. So my first goal was to stay calm, so I closed my eyes and tried to drift off to sleep. I felt myself moving or more like shifting positions in bed, so my hands veered back to rub my belly and still no movement...I tried gently nudging my stomach and still nothing. Everything and anything I did that would usually make the baby move wasn't working and the baby wasn't moving at all, nor any butterfly sensations of any kind. What felt like hours was only twenty seven minutes later and an emergency phone call to the doctor on call from my OBGYN office. I continued to try everything to make the baby move and when still nothing, I don’t remember how but I felt tears streaming down my face as I quietly cried, while walking to our bedroom to wake my husband. I walked towards his side of the bed and nudged him awake as I felt the hot tears rolling down my cheeks more and started whispering to him what was happening, so as not to wake our oldest sleeping in our bed. My husband tried to calm me down and then proceeded to do his things that would usually annoy or make the baby move and even his touches wouldn't do it! No reaction from within on the baby’s part. He finally just said for us to get ready and go to Labor and Delivery. I knew what that meant, money we didn't have for expenses we couldn't afford at this time, and my thoughts were going to the worst scenarios of what was going on in my stomach; so I couldn't help but begin to pray like crazy!

I started to change into my "check in clothes" even though I was having contraction pains, grabbed my "overnight bag" for the delivery scenario option just in case, then fixed the bed with our oldest daughter still sleeping, when my husband came quickly back upstairs to our bedroom to let me know that he had woken up my mother and was getting the truck ready with the binder we would need for the hospital. I started to tear up even more knowing I was leaving one little one while being cornered for the other little one...my mom gave me a quick blessing and then my husband and I headed out the door to the hospital. Thankfully a healthy second daughter was born almost three days later.

What’s the point of this story you may ask? The point is, whether it’s your first pregnancy or your 20th pregnancy, trust your instincts as a mom and/or mom to be because it’s the start of knowing how to be proactive where your kid/s safety, health, growth, and overall well-being is concerned. If you don’t know how to interpret those “spider senses” the pregnancy is a good start to understanding and “reading” those instinctual sensations you have.  

Sincerely,

A Distinct Woman