(Originally written January of 2017-Didn't revise or edit to maintain the authenticity of when it was originally written.)
Just in case you were wondering…everyone is a bunch of liars! Pregnancy isn't nine months! Talk about false advertisement! It's ten months total! If you're wondering why I'm counting the days, it's not because I'm frustrated at the pregnancy-on the contrary I'm waiting anxiously with excitement to meet and hold this little mini-me that's growing inside me. I don’t quite care about specifics, I just want to make sure that she has all her fingers, toes, and physical features required to live a healthy life. Yes, that's right I didn’t want to wait and decided to find out the gender of our baby. We have her name picked out and everything!
Well so much for trying to finish up and get ready for the baby even more…I've been put on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy…no more work, quite literally I can't go to work anymore. I left work to attend my check-up and they ended up admitting me into the hospital. Granted I'm glad they are looking out for the well-being of my daughter and I, however the timing just sucks! I don’t have any of the baby room items bought, ready, or even put up like I ideally wanted. I haven't decorated the baby room or re-arranged my bedroom like I'm going to need it because of the baby. To put an even bigger dent on the situation, me not working right now and receiving disability isn't the ideal for Cowboy and my financial situation, at least until he gets a better position a lot has been riding on my income for us…I know that God will provide but surely, he has a huge sense of humor when he created mothers! The one's that were made to control, guide, and create the lives of those entrusted to them. He's probably laughing at me right now say "HA-you just thought that you could control the pregnancy, but this is a glimpse of the spontaneity the child will bring to your life. Planning won't even necessarily be in your vocabulary!" Ok so maybe that last statement is more what everyone I know (both family and friends) tell me. This is going to be a big test on my patience and on handling the bigger part to come.
To be honest my mother is the one I think that's more worried about the whole situation than I am! Which is then conveyed to me which in turn makes me worried. Oh, the small steps towards motherhood. What I can say that I've learned about myself, and others is this; I for one have always had a calm demeanor but since meeting Cowboy and the pregnancy, I'm a little more on edge. Many would claim it’s the hormones and all this other crap, but quite frankly I know myself (as my mother does) and the changes occurring are because of not only my partner but the pregnancy. It's really more the circumstantial portion of it and not the hormones. Then there's my people tolerance…for starters I've always loved to observe people however I've never enjoyed obnoxious and overwhelming annoying people; so, the threshold of tolerance and patience for others that I used to have been VERY high before, and quickly diminishing now to a smaller area. The patience with myself seems non-existent now; I feel that with my little one coming I need to push myself harder to accomplish and finalize things for her, before she pops out! I know I can handle it and do it, but everyone keeps warning me and cautioning me about my limitations. I think that something like this only a woman, or more like a woman who has had children and is a mother would slightly understand what I'm feeling. Then again since every pregnancy and woman is different maybe not, I just know that my mother comprehends my changes, but she breathes words of wisdom and suggestions…Bringing me lastly to the biggest revelation. My dumb founded demeanor towards creation through God's wonder and grace, with a sincere appreciation for childbearing. My mother has only two children and the "feelings" or examples of what's been going on in my life she says are similar and yet different from hers. I try to do this by myself so that I can have better confidence in myself but this close to the finish line and I'm seriously just exhausted.
I'm just ready for her to be here-then I can worry about something else so Cowboy can do the main worrying of what I've been doing for the past seven months!
Sincerely,
A Distinct Woman
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