Have you ever bothered to ask someone if they’re family oriented or if they’re close to their family? It’s always interesting for me to hear their explanation and also notice when their verbal claim contradicts their actions in life. Its something interesting to find in passing with friendships but I find it extremely fascinating to observe when the answers provided are by those you’re dating/becoming seriously involved with. If you haven’t, then just broach this conversation with someone and see where it leads…
Now for the purpose of this post :) For starters are you a “Family Oriented” person or are you a person that was brought up in a “close knit family like upbringing” or are you “dedicated to family.” I know what you’re thinking, is there a difference and why so many options; probably didn’t even think that there was more than two options. In case you’re wondering what the difference is, allow me to elaborate a little by how I personally define the differences and how google defines it. Actually, we shall begin with how Google defines “close knit family” - bound together by intimate social or cultural ties or by close economic or political ties. My definition goes like this - a family that congregates (whether by blood relation or extended family) on major holidays, family as well as life emergencies, social events, and that have a close or semi close relation in communication daily or at least weekly/monthly depending on personal lives. Where there may be gaps in the timeframe of communication but you can easily just pick up where you last left off. Google defines “family oriented” as - the family that you were born into and/or someone who has their family at the heart of all that they do and all the decisions that they make. My definition goes like this - the family your born into by blood/adoption who you communicate with either once a week (as a minimum) or possibly daily as a (maximum); that you don’t just see them for major holidays and family functions/events but for every birthday/anniversary and family gathering. Google defines “dedicated to family” as - committing yourself to family and everything your family entails, where you’re meaning of life and purpose, is to surround yourself with family. My definition goes a little like this - where you main purpose and way of life is specifically surrounded around the family and all that it entails, even if it puts your own social/personal life on hold or at risk, because the individual is more committed to the family ties then to create new “family ties” of their own, outside of their family unit.
So why, you may ask, am I even writing about this? Well, a few weeks ago (as well as about a few months back in another occurrence) there was a conversation at the dinner table amongst family members (I know the irony) about how the family unit in society today has changed from what it once was, when my uncles and parents were younger. Obviously, as the years pass so do the fads and phases of social teachings but what typically remains key to progress and adults in the world is their upbringing or the kind of exposure they have with/to their family. Pretty much up until my sister and I, some ways of life have changed amongst our family. For example, my parents and their siblings didn’t go out of their state and/or city for their college/university education per say - during their times their parents deemed that to be unnecessary regardless of the many benefits/scholarships and advantageous possibilities for their own futures; simply just unheard of in addition to life circumstances to not having the financial possibility. Well what about scholarships and student loans, you may ask, yes even regardless of two of my uncles having full rides for their academic careers there was more concern for external variables and them being away from home than their future careers. Which brings us to the example of my cousins currently, where my dad’s brother’s kids all stayed local except for one (the oldest) and my mom’s sisters children are definitely doing outside our family norm because not only are they both going out of town for their schooling, they’re staying/have stayed in the dorms along with the oldest not even living in the same state for his master’s degree; he’s literally across the nation! Another example towards the content of the conversation had at the dinner table was about dating and when you’re involved in a serious relationship. Obviously circumstantial variables play into these next few statements like single parents/parenting, perhaps you’re the caretaker of your elderly parents, etc - those are the circumstantial variables I’m referring to, which are all understandable variables as well.
If you’re dating someone yet you’re making your family more important than the person you’re trying to get serious with, then what gives that person you’re seeing the notion or hope that they will ever become just as important to you as your family. There’s a difference between being brought into someone’s circle and being hopeful that you’ll be creating a new circle with that person altogether. Yes love is not fragile, its understanding, and the many other wonderful virtues but to help nurture the “love” you have to give the person the “feeling” of appreciation with the hope their your time will soon be their time, not that they will always be put on the back burner-this applies to both male and females by the way. Please don’t try to dissect my statement as there is nothing hidden between the lines, just making observational statements. How can you expect someone to make you important in their lives if you don’t make the attempt to make them feel important in your life, or at least to be considered important in your life. Yes, open communication about things that occur with family will be appreciated and go a long way but also not jumping ship on plans you’ve made with your significant other because of family (outside of family emergencies) is a little dumb-founding and questionable. Always imagine how you would feel if the tables were turned; women tend to say when annoyed, “every time mommy calls he stops what we’re doing and we have to do what his mom needs even if it’s something simple like going to the store to pick up something. It’s not like she’s needing it at that moment!” Or I’ve heard the comments made by men, “I can appreciate and value how family oriented she is but I feel like we can’t do anything together if it’s not around her family all the time. I don’t mind it sometimes but not all the time and at every occasion, how else am I supposed to learn about her personally if it’s always in a group setting and it’s not focused undivided attention.”
I personally see myself as “an evolved family oriented” person (to my sister it’s what she likes to call “Americanized Hispanic”). I thoroughly enjoy my family when we come together and at the family/social functions however, I’m of the mindset of limitations towards how much family time is involved. Birthday’s for little ones up until the 18th birthday are nice however thereafter I’m of the mindset to ask the person what they want to do for their birthday not force a full family gathering for it, every birthday automatically. The older/elderly is a nice treat for them to still have the family gathering so obviously that’s a yes for me. I do not believe in celebrating anniversaries together as a family unless it’s those major numbers unless the couple is wanting to involve the family at their discretion. A prime example for me is Christmas and New Years, where my family is used to being together almost every day from Christmas Eve until New Year’s Day. I think that’s lovely every other year or every couple of years, but literally to do that every year - yea I don’t think I can do that or at least give me the option of New Year’s Eve without family or family plan…I think I shall digress now…
I suppose, if you are to take anything away from this post it’s about some self reflection on what type of “family” person are you?
A Distinct Woman
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