When I had originally created this post, my goal was to share a testimony to other ladies of how your spouse/partner shouldn’t handle things in addition to providing enlightenment of what should NOT be tolerated. I was reflective and striving to write something void of emotion and just telling a story AND describing/conveying emotion. So, trying to keep the original content in place the text that’s bolded are what I’ve now added or created.
Family Boundaries/Rules/Respect & Motherhood (October in 2017)…CONT.
Unfortunately, my bladder didn't think it necessary to let me sleep more than after 7:30am; so there I went to use the bathroom with my daughter and husband deep asleep in their beds...I heard my husband's phone go off once while I was still in the bathroom-it had sounded like a text message. I managed to tuck myself back in bed beside my daughter and figured I would have more time to sleep. A good amount of time later my husband's phone goes off again with another text message or text messages received reminder. My husband gets up from the bed, taking his phone with him into the bathroom. The only thing I could fathom at that time was that maybe it was about work or that his family wanted to see us before everyone headed back to their regularly scheduled lives. NOPE I was being hopeful because that wasn't the case at all. It was closing in on 9am already and my husband said he was going to go meet his grandparents out in the lobby area, still thinking nothing of it I told him to tell them good morning and that if our daughter woke up, I would take her down there. In the meantime, though I was hungry I still hadn't had anything to eat or drink. Again, only the cup of coffee in the hotel room and my husband made no offer to bring me or my daughter anything as he was stepping out of the hotel room.
My husband returns to our hotel room while I'm already dressed but starting to get things picked up (as much as I possibly could without creating additional noise from the tasks). Double checking here and there so that we don't leave anything behind and I start to pack up our daughter's things after taking out her wardrobe and items to refill her baby bag and get her dressed (basically get her stuff ready for the traveling day ahead). So, he's in the room and doesn't ask just informs me that he's arranged and already asked his grandparents if he can ride with them to the service that was going to be at 10:30am, since his mother was requesting everyone this morning. I don't know if I had mentioned it before but just a minor recap - according to my husband's mother, her only request instead of receiving gifts was having her family attend service at their church the day after their wedding (Sunday). Something she's never bothered to ask of anyone before or even made a big deal about in her Sunday agenda whether she's visiting, traveling, or in her own town where she lives...that's great for her if this is a new turn around and something she wants to be doing but considering that the time for service wasn't coordinated or even mentioned prior to our departure from their home last night I was getting a little unsettled at the news. But what was worse for me, was that when this request was mentioned before I had already told my husband that it was fine for us all to attend but that our daughter and I needed to attend Mass first (as we're the ones who are practicing Catholics and active practicing religious individuals) before we were to go to the service his mother was requesting; I had even gone to the extent of finding early Masses for the convenience of HIS family. SO, now back to the hotel room...
My husband says that he can just ride to with his grandparents to the service because they said they were happy to take him since he had already asked them; as our daughter was still at that time sleeping and he wasn't going to wake her up. Mighty nice of him some would say BUT he's forgetting that our checkout is at 11am, his wife is still sick and sounds like she's getting worse, and on top of all that packing up our stuff and having to load the vehicle is also a priority before checkout. His response when I said all this was simply, "I'm finishing packing up my things right now and almost done. I can already put my stuff in the truck already and since our daughter is asleep when she wakes up you and her can just meet up with us after, my grandparents will probably be driving home after service and saying their good-bye's." I retorted sarcastically about how yes; I could do it all since I wasn't sick or felt sick and that he could go with his family because I wasn't going to be "the bad person" who didn't allow you to go to church with your family. He packed his stuff in his truck, came back to the room to leave me the truck keys, and walked out of the hotel room, not even kissing or saying bye to our daughter.
If you as the reader still don't see a problem with all of this and what's to follow, then you need a new set of life glasses and priority/moral compass. My daughter groggily awakes a little bit after my husband leaves the room but she's very lethargic and doesn't even want to move from the pillow, she's beckoning me to the bed to snuggle up with her and lay beside her not giving a care to the cartoon on the TV or the fact that her father isn't in the room with us. After about ten minutes or so, I get up from the bed and bring her things to her; give her some water, some of her fruit snacks (because I don't like administering medicine even over the counter medicine to an empty stomach), edible items she didn't really even want to eat and pushed away after eating a handful, then began changing her clothes. Once she was clothed in her outfit, she tucked herself back into the blankets and leaned against the pillow and started to close her eyes again. I felt awful because I knew we would soon have to move and walk towards the truck. I carried my luggage suitcase, my daughters luggage bag (placed on top of my luggage case), the baby backpack (loaded for the trip and day), and my photography backpack with my equipment and laptop, then my purse; of course all this in my right hand while my daughter is in my arms on my left side (mind you she was still not walking at this time). We exited the hotel towards the back exit, as we had a handicap room immediately next to the exit door and back parking.
The back parking and exit of the hotel backed up into a semi rest stop, where the semis and their trailers parked. We walked to the truck, and it was already very hot and humid; my daughter was curled up into my arm and neck just fighting going back to sleep while I was already sweating from carting all of the stuff and making sure nothing dropped. Opened the truck and turned it on so it would start to cool off; placed my daughter into her car seat and then loaded the truck. Once I got inside the truck, I immediately locked the doors and got my seat situated for the drive. It was now 11:08am and I was searching for the nearest Catholic Mass on my iPhone through a Catholic Mass app; which at this point my husband had already texted me saying he was with his whole family and in service-with my simple response of "k". I didn't know the area we were in, nor had I ever traveled enough or to (by choice) into Louisiana period. So, the GPS was our guide, and we would be able to catch an 11:30am mass based off of the app and GPS. I looked through the rearview mirror to make sure my little one was ready to go and the look she gave me about broke my heart; I smiled and put on her classical music through the Bluetooth capability of the truck, and I could feel quiet tears roll down my cheek.
I like to think that my daughter and I had our guardian angels with us that day because of what happened from the moment we arrived at the Catholic Church's address. It was already in the mid 80s temperature wise, and my fear was that I would have to walk far with my daughter in my arms, but we managed to park ourselves in a parallel parking spot literally in front of the main entrance doors to the church. I smiled in relief and started to unbuckle my daughter. I noticed that outside the main entrance were volunteer ushers greeting those entering the church and one of them I guessed noticed me (as I was on the sidewalk and now within their view) as I climbed into the truck and climbed back down with my daughter in my arms, asking if I needed help with anything. I kindly declined, appreciating their offer but also unsure considering that I was by myself in an unknown neighborhood and location. We walked into the church, and I took notice of the layout, exits, and where the restrooms were. I needed to make sure I knew where the restroom was because I was already having a lot of congestion and problems breathing correcting through my nose that I knew I would at some point have to make a run for the restroom or especially to change the baby's diaper. That's when I noticed that the chapel was connected to the church and was used for Sunday masses as the "crying room" (basically where parents take their kids to supposedly control them or have them unwind so that the children aren't a disturbance or distraction to the rest of the congregation). We were the only ones there and I sighed once we sat down in the pew. I knew my daughter still felt sick as she didn't make a fuss about sitting against the church pew and next to me, instead of actually being in my arms like usual during Mass.
Three minutes before mass was about to begin and the chapel started to have other attendees-mostly older/elderly individuals-taking their pick of seating. My daughter took notice of three specific older people; you have to understand that my daughter is very particular and specific to who she allows touch her, into her personal space, and more importantly who she graces with her attention (whether a family member/relative). As you can imagine I was intrigued when she tried to get the attention of these three random strangers. The black man who sat behind us was alone and had a wedding band on his hand (something I took note of when he was holding onto his cane) and a veteran cap he removed upon entering the chapel. The older lady with black and white/silver highlighted hair sat diagonally behind us on our left side, she also sat by herself and did not appear to have a wedding band on. Then there was a very elderly woman who sat directly in front of us, two pews ahead of us who had silver hair in an almost beehive fashion; she too sat by herself yet had on a wedding band. Out of about the fifteen people that were in this room these were the only three people who seemed to have caught my daughter's attention. My baby kept trying to play/feed the black veteran behind us and wave at the lady in front of us, while trying to play some kind or form of peek-a-boo with the lady diagonally behind us. There was a moment during the mass that the black man tried to entertain my daughter when she was wanting to cry from having some mucus build up in her throat and nostrils; then another incident right before the transubstantiation portion of the Liturgy of the Eucharist, that had the old black man caressing her little hand that lay on my shoulder while I was kneeling. During the homily of the priest, the lady diagonally behind us was her form of entertainment to make sure she would start doing baby gibberish. The lady in front offered me tissues when I guess my sniffling became a nuisance for the majority of the beginning of the mass but then soon ran out. I remember I was at the point that I was so congested and had so much built up of mucus that I started to choke and had to stand up-not knowing what to do because no one was with me to help me with my daughter in order for me to take care of myself.
I stood at the end of our pew towards the side exit, where I could visibly see my daughter and be within at least three giant steps of reaching her should something happen while I trying to compose myself. The black man touched my shoulder when I sat back down and whispered that he would make sure that my daughter wouldn't move so I could go get some tissues from the restroom, exactly twenty three steps away from the pew we sat in (something I counted and took note of for myself-thinking that I would be alone in the chapel). It's hard to say why but I took him up on his offer and quickly made a dash for the restroom. Grabbed the paper towels they had (not tissue) as I knew that it would be quicker for me to grab and go back to my daughter and was able to make it back through the same doors before they had even closed when I entered into the restroom. My daughter was calm and content chewing on her little Gerber puffs and trying to still handsome to the black old man behind us. I smiled in relief and as I prayed quiet tears of relief and peace came rolling down my cheeks. The older ladies both said my daughter was a special treat for them in the Mass before they departed and the older man behind us spoke to us for a few minutes before his departure. He mentioned that he was overjoyed with watching my daughter during the Mass and that since he had yet to see his newborn granddaughter (his fifth one to be exact) it only gave him more joy to be sitting behind us; that his reason for sitting by himself in Mass was because his wife was with their daughter helping with the newborn. My little one waved goodbye at all three of these random strangers and curled into the security of my arms once more while I finished my prayers and had tears running down my face.
A different usher offered to help me carry the baby bag to the vehicle as I was holding on to my daughter, but I kindly declined while smiling. Here I was by myself and all of these people out of nowhere were very easily offering to assist me and even more surprisingly, with how my daughter felt and is I was still baffled at her reaction during Mass with the strangers. I could only associate it with our guardian angels watching over us and making sure we were taken care of. Once back at the truck, I placed my daughter back into the car seat and quickly climbed into the driver seat, locking the doors and getting situated. By this time, I had two missed calls from my husband and three texts waiting to be opened on my cell phone. Apparently, all of his family had departed their separate ways post their religious service, and he was with his middle brother at a Cracker Barrel. I called my husband to let him know that I was out of Mass and about to drive but needed the address in order for me to even know where I was going. The moment I left the church parking lot my baby fell fast asleep, and I was starving like crazy-it was 12:50pm...
The part that gets to me the most is that through this entire day my husband doesn't react in the manner in which I assumed he was going to or in the way my expectation of a HUSBAND should. He's married now and his first and only priority (as he made the promise and vow at our wedding) was that he was to always take care and cherish us-WE, my daughter and I are to take precedence over his extended family members and yes even his mother. They like referring to scripture so much, well the same scripture we chose at our wedding was re-read at his mother's wedding; stating how the woman and man leave their homes and make a new home, leaving behind that which they knew. So a good mother would have reminded his son, "it's ok I know your wife and baby girl are sick let's do church together another time," or "if baby girl isn't awake then don't worry, you shouldn't leave them by themselves since baby girl is still sick," or something along the lines of "you're married now son, thank you for trying to come with us to church service but I know that my grandbaby isn't awake and your wife will be needing the help." Whether it was in consideration of me or not, take the mother or mother-in-law portion out of it, a good grandmother who sincerely cared for their grandchild would have the GRAND DAUGHTERS' NEEDS before her own. From this day forward is why I only call that woman "grandma" in front of my daughter for my daughter's sake and use words like my "husband's mother" or when I talk to my husband directly "your mother."
Oh, but don't worry my husband wasn't off the hook by any means because almost the entire drive home that day we were at odds and there's no one to blame except himself. I had warned and stated concerns prior to our departure to this wedding. We had one of our biggest arguments, yet where yelling was involved and even, I suspect, if he was given the opportunity might've hit me in frustration since he hit his vehicle's middle console pretty damn hard. Amazingly and thankfully enough, our daughter was so exhausted and sick that she was asleep for almost all of it, except when she woke up at our pit stop and saw/felt her mommy crying (again)...
Also, for the record, my husband finally took us to CareNow the following morning (the Monday after our trip to his mother's wedding) and our daughter was on the verge of bronchitis where I already had it, the main reason why I couldn't shake my symptoms...so let me tell you never again and I know now what I have to do for the betterment of my family.
Sincerely,
A Distinct Woman
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