When I had originally created this post, it was my attempt at looking back at the past in a reflective and wanting to enlighten myself (as well as any others) at the signs or even what should or shouldn’t take place with your wedding and relationship altogether. I wasn’t even divorced yet and I was already analyzing how the blessed event took place. So fast forward to today in the year 2026 and I'm finally finishing this post.
Do I believe there is such a thing as a perfect wedding, no! However, there is such a thing as a couple believing they had close to a perfect wedding-which means that they both enjoyed the day and everything entailed/associated with the day of bliss! So, trying to keep the original content in place the text that’s bolded are what I’ve now added or created. Here we go!
August has come and gone, which
means all the excitement of “wedded bliss has died down; the wedding is over. Easter
is coming up and I’m looking back or more like through the wedding album since
we came back from a beach March wedding (that I had to do the pictures on for
my photography business). I even managed to find a few thank you cards I did
back in September, right after our wedding that I hadn’t gotten around to sending
out. All this is making me remember and reminisce more vividly about the day of
the wedding and more significantly the leading up to the wedding.
I took every precaution and organized measure to make sure that my husband and I would have a wonderful wedding day as we both agreed that this would be THE wedding for us both. With divorce in his family's history (both biological parents), my desire and prayerful discernment was that this would be my only wedding regardless of the circumstances or situation in which we found ourselves and how our relationship evolved from the start. I organized everything to make sure that mostly everything would take off without a hitch and that my “hubby “and I could enjoy the preparation and getting ready on the day of the event. My family (my mother, father, and sister) were doing their best considering everything we had personally going on that week of the wedding date, while still striving to make everything possible for him and I. I even went to the extent of putting on every invitation that on the day the groom and bride were not to be bothered with questions or exterior situations of any kind as we would both be preparing for the big event on the day of. Considering my hubby's past and also seeing that he was also excited for the wedding, I wanted to do my part in making sure he would have some time to himself or maybe just some time with him and his brothers...I knew that things would come up but nothing to the extent of what actually occurred.
You see our wedding was scheduled for a Saturday and a late afternoon Mass (purposely chosen to be at the latest time-3pm). When my husband (well at the time fiancé) and I were asked at what time we wanted our wedding, hubby answered saying “it’s up to you babe.” So, in my mind because the two adults getting married had a little girl who wasn’t walking on her own yet and had to be taken into consideration with the time of the whole thing, I figured that the later time would be good enough for us. I even relayed all of this to my husband explaining more in detail once we left the church (as to my logic and reasoning) to see if he agreed or understood the choice; “that way it gives us both the getting ready time, you can spend your getting ready time with your family and then you can be with our daughter and once I’m going to start getting ready you can leave our daughter with my folks and head to the church since you’re required to be there earlier.” I knew that as a responsible adult it wasn’t going to be the most typical wedding day since we did have a little girl, hell I even knew realistically that the wonderful bride getting ready was going to be cut short because I didn’t want to just pawn off our daughter in order to get ready. Which leads me to the next bit...since I wanted to make sure and stay on budget, a very tight budget, I made sure to not use a wedding planner and do all the organizing myself. Staying on budget was difficult due to price points and I would do my homework on decor (sometimes with even my hubby in tow) BUT it was even worse on the venue stuff because he just wanted to get things over with and done so that the wedding day, we literally wouldn’t have anything to worry about. Only problem is that I had lots to worry about, leading up to the day of and ON the day off. My sister is a wedding planner and event coordinator, but I also didn’t want to use her services as a wedding planner and coordinator since she was my maid of honor, then still was going to have my reception venue set up with the décor personally purchased for the day of, and then get ready and help with any last minute details. I was making sure that everything from the i’s and t’s were done, chronologically and methodically. I spent weeks doing research on the venues, menus, decor, church items, guest gifts, last minute items, and more importantly the thought into everything about the wedding; I did everything that a wedding planner and coordinator was supposed to do, on top of being a mom to our daughter (especially during the times my husband was “working”). I did a task sheet that listed items to review and mark up to the week of to stay organized and limit or eliminate stress.
To stay on target and within budget range I did the following:
- invitations were sent out exactly five months in advance so that EVERYONE had plenty of time to RSVP
- I created the website for our wedding so I could also have people easily RSVP and that I could keep a headcount
- I did the wedding registry that was shown on our wedding website - something I forced my husband to join in on and create the registry with me. He didn’t seem to care about the registry. Shoot I remember at the time his exact words were, “why don’t we just let people give us whatever they want and be done. My family isn’t going to be able to give us much anyway...” he then proceeded to explain why.
- Based off his input we put items on our registry that I figured technically we would need if we had our own apartment/house then after showing hubby, it was approved and posted
- I researched venues that were realistic for the price and the quantity invited; I wanted something that would be easy to decorate, affordable, including everything we needed to feed the guests which were servers, service, and food. I didn’t really care about the bar but once I showed hubby the venue and we saw the room that would be used for our reception he was happy with the option of having a cash bar. I love my drinks when the occasion arises, but I’ve never been a drunk or huge drinker SO I kept saying no bar or bartender and hubby said it would be fine. His side of the family REALLY like to drink, well excluding his maternal grandparents that is…
- The venue for the reception was not near the church but near my family’s house (the location where we were living and would still be living in after we got married); I wasn’t worried about where the venue was as long as it was easier on my sister and I for the day of because of the setup of the reception on the day of and because of my little one
The wedding venue was secured and even my hubby (fiancé at the time) was on the same page with me regarding the location and everything that was included. For feeding exactly forty-two people and a child under the age of one (our daughter) with a full three-course meal and an entree meal option for the guests, along with one round of champagne for the toast; all including the servers and service with cutlery and plates, especially for the cake...well under $4k. I was proud of myself and proud of us because of the bargain we got compared to every other place in the Dallas Metroplex area...the big date was getting closer...I was rounding up all the decor and making cuts in decor expenses when my sister surprised me by pitching in for costs towards the decor.
The clock was ticking and I had to now get to the item that was my wedding dress. All of a sudden my husband (fiancé at the time) was adamant and made sure that I would have the wedding dress I wanted for the blessed occasion and I was still trying to cut costs even there for us...you see for a traditional Catholic wedding, the bride typically wears a two tier veil with the longer portion extending towards the back of the dress and the shorter tier having the ability to flip over the brides face and then be placed/folded back toward the back of the dress and bride. Think like the character Maria in the Sound of Music; since I was a little girl I was always imagining something like that…My wedding dress was truly beautiful in every sense of the word and it showed in not only the style of the dress but in the details, materials, fabric, and elegance.
I made sure to keep it as clean and tidy as possible-for it to be something I can hand down to my girls (something like the baptism gown that was purchased for one daughter and is now a family heirloom). Well, that was the idea or illusion perhaps at the time. Once the divorce was final, I told my mother to get rid of it...Picking my wedding dress was rushed and it wasn’t like how I envisioned it to be. The joy I had was that my family (my daughter, my parents, and my bride maids were in attendance but that was it.
He met us where the dress was purchased and he said he was going to pay for the dress. I was surprised and then once I found out that he was rushing me to meet up with his family for their impromptu birthday gathering for his grandmother, well that combined with him liking to “look good” to the appearance of others for what he was “doing for his family” it made sense where the push and drive to pay came from. Now don’t get me wrong I deeply cared for those grandparents and had no problem with even wanting to celebrate her birthday, it was the fact that the only reason why his family was all getting together was because his mother was in town with her live in boyfriend and two sons and so was one or both of this brothers (I can’t remember exactly regarding his brothers). So anyway, the wedding dress was picked out and paid for, so while I loaded my daughter and I into the pickup truck while my sister and parents took my wedding dress home.
Only weeks until the wedding date...crunch time is fast approaching and I remember stressing. My husband’s family “offered” their assistance: his grandparents offered that if there was anything I needed help with for the big day to let them know-realistically it was a nice gesture and offer but I knew they wouldn't be able to offer much help given their health conditions and age; similar to that of my own grandparents-I wouldn't dare ask the elderly. Now my husband’s mother offered her assistance stating, "that if there's anything you need for the wedding let me know. Even to set up or clean or whatever you need for the big day just let us know." I knew I shouldn't have given her words much thought considering my experience already with the woman, but I figured that given it was her eldest son's first marriage…needless to say I was hopeful for this to be a turning point or a new leaf turned over! Hubby himself even said that him and his brothers could help with the heavy lifting and anything that my sister and I needed especially for the reception items...that was a relief for me because I figured I would be able to count on hubby and his brothers because my uncles would be busy taking care of my grandparents (maternal side) so that my mother could focus on the reception set up with my sister and her daughter (aka – me) on the big day, then my other relatives would be busy prepping for their roles in the wedding ceremony AND getting my cousins situated for their roles as well in the wedding. On top of that my father unfortunately couldn't postpone or reschedule his required knee surgery otherwise he would be doing more damage to his physical overall health. I remember that even my parents tried to reschedule it earlier, but the surgeon didn't have anything sooner; so, the timing was just unfortunate. I remember that even my sister made a comment about it being a sign and not to force the wedding...a remember a part of me then was taking her words to heart but in my mind what I was trying to do for my “new” family was going to take precedence – sad part was looking back I was the male in the relationship and the only one really doing the relational aspect of the marriage as well as the relationship as a whole…Looking back, maybe if we had just waited a little bit longer things would have progressed for the better in a different way...then again maybe not. I've never had regrets about any decisions I've made in my life but that doesn't mean I still can't be sad or overwhelmed with emotions at remembering...anyway, I digress.
The wedding date was exactly a week away and I kept checking and double checking all the details of the wedding. Everything dealing with the ceremony and the reception (decorations, materials, etc) were all laid out in my parents’ house in the dining room on the big dining room table they have. I had items organized and separated by the agenda of the day and for the reception and ceremony. During the day because of my little one, I wasn't able to do much or accomplish much unless it involved us going to stores or shopping for something...my evenings and nights were spent working on things for the wedding, literally even up until the night before my wedding. When I asked my husband for help on things his statement was, "I don't really want to get involved helping you because you want things a certain way and I feel like I'm going to mess things up, BUT I can do and work on our present/card box as well as our sign in mirror idea. I'll fix them so they stay open and we can close them easily."
I ended up just agreeing not knowing my headache and problems ahead either way...I designed and worked on the pamphlets for the ceremony for the guests. When they were done, I printed them, then folded them; when I asked my husband to fold them for me he kept saying, "I will babe, later" or "I'll do that tomorrow babe." I ended up folding them all myself and placing them in the "ceremony" box that was to be loaded into the vehicle on the day of the wedding...I designed and worked on the reception table cards and name cards. Since I wanted my husband’s opinion and contribution, the name cards took me a total of three days to finish; I printed them out, cut them all out, then proceeded to laminate them. We didn't and never had a laminator, so I ended up package taping every name card. What I mean by my package tape is that I cut up pieces of the clear tape used for FedEx/UPS boxes; allowing the name cards to look like laminated name cards-since these were also keep sake items for all our guests. I saved money on this great little guest keep sake idea; mini mason jars (no larger than about 4" tall) that had a beautifully engraved emblem of the wedding with white chocolate circular chocolates. I filled and fixed all the jars and then packed them up for them to be placed in the "reception" box that was to be placed in my sister’s Hummer with all the other reception decor items. I had this idea for the entry and area where guests would take their keep’s sake items at their departure; it was a "Looking at the Past for the Future"; basically, framed pictures of all the longest and blessed couples that were wedded and still together in our families. So, after all the frames were bought, I made sure to fix them and pack them (again in the reception box).
Designed, organized, and created the layout of reception area and how everyone should be seated, knowing that any adjustments I could trust my sister to make herself with her best judgement when she would set up the reception. My sister and I did a test run of what the table top decor would like (in the evening after she arrived from work) and once we had a concrete layout, I made sure it was packed up and accordingly organized in the "reception box" for my sister when she would take the items out to set up. Created a wedding playlist by writing it all down first, so that I could then have my husband’s contribution and opinion, before even putting the playlist together on my phone (to be played at the reception). Once my husband provided his input I then spent one whole night creating the playlist. I then created and printed out the wedding day's agenda, which was more for my sister to help me but more importantly I needed to provide one for the reception venue. The last items, after everything were packed in their specific boxes, were the “sign in mirror” and the gift box, both which weren't fixed by my husband until two days before the wedding day. For the sign in mirror, I had specific photos printed out to be placed on the sign in mirror's panels. I did a good amount of art and crafts to finalize our sign in mirror, and I was very happy at the result. Items were done and I was able to pack everything in an organized fashion for those who would be using them...all of this was done during the week before the wedding date and all done by myself; I would go to sleep until about 2am or 3am overnight and yes even on the eve of my wedding night...but I'll get into that on another post...Where my fiancé was during all this, wasn’t taking care of our daughter so that I would have this grand amount of time no, because even when he actually cooked my sister and I were still cleaning up the kitchen or washing the dishes-he was either playing on his phone on my parent’s couch or in the office on what was my desk that he overtook or outside or in the garage…yes he would help get the bed ready for out little one or the easy set up things before I did the little ones nightly ritual but that’s about it…
My sister had told me to not worry about the wedding glasses and wedding cake items for the bride and groom; I didn't understand why when I showed her the ones I was ordering online but later, at the wedding she told me why. She said that no sister of hers was going to be get some crappy materials on Amazon for her wedding, because this was something I deserved and shouldn't be cutting corners on to have, since it would be my first and it was hopeful to be my only wedding. She presented us, him and I, with (as her gift to us) a beautiful and real set of wedding champagne glasses with glass carvings with our wedding information and date, along with a beautiful matching pair of knives for our wedding cake to go with it. Items I will forever cherish, not because of items from the wedding but because of the thought and love my sister put into buying them and presenting them to us. Something he and point blank his whole family have no value to the significance of these items since they all like to divorce and remarry like candy-excluding the maternal grandparents on his side.
Two weeks before the wedding date I had to double-check our RSVP numbers as we had to provide them to the reception venue literally a week before the wedding date. I questioned my hubby about his uncle's attendance, and I clearly stated (while also gaging what my husband’s thoughts were at that time) that I didn't want his uncle bringing the crack whore want to be saint to our wedding. That I was not going to have the current woman he claimed to be in a relationship with, at our wedding, and if he wanted to come, he could come alone. This is the same woman who I met at Christmas the year our first baby was born who I was scoffed at for not wanting her to touch or have anything to do with my baby girl...I was judged because I didn’t want a woman who little whored herself out to get a fix of drugs while making sure she had a meals taken care of AND claimed to recently be clean. I don’t care who you are FUCK to the NO on a new baby proximity. As a squirrel note, in the end she was using him for her own gain while he was using her to appease his loneliness (and for lack of a better term, fuck buddy), so I was right in my assessment then that was claimed to be “judgmental Catholic” instead of “momma bear mode”; ironically as well, they aren't together anymore and he's moved on to another woman (who looks and dresses the same as his ex).
Any who! Getting back to the post because that's no concern of mine and irrelevant to the post...so I get a text on one of the days of that week, two weeks prior to the wedding, on a lovely and joyous afternoon (when we're with all of my family no less), from hubby's uncle asking about the type of dress his girlfriend (the crack whore) should wear to the wedding. Long story short hubby ended up having to talk to his grandmother because apparently his uncle responded like a little child to tattle tale to his mother, that why wasn’t his nephew whose wedding it was-couldn’t bring his trashy slutty girlfriend to our wedding. I felt slightly bad for my husband about that occurrence as well as the fact that his actual best friend wasn't going to attend the wedding due to a cruise him and his girlfriend would be taking, but now he had to deal with petty drama from his side of the family (again). I conceded for the "peace" of that day because it wasn't only his grandmother he had to deal with but his own mother butting in on the situation...I responded to his uncle's text to let him know how she should dress. I can tell you that she neither wore something suggested in style and color nor something appropriate for a wedding, instead she wore a dress that was shorter than a miniskirt and as tight as a thong. I'm still trying to get her damn name off our wedding sign in mirror...
My husband’s mother arrived at the hotel with her boyfriend and his two sons as well as her youngest son in tow, the Thursday evening before the wedding agenda would begin. I still had hope of it all going well until my husband told me that he would be returning in a few hours since he was going over to the hotel to see his brother. I found through her social media that they had decided to go eat at the Benihana in the area closest to their hotel (the same hotel she stayed at when she was in town for our daughter's baptism). It's not the fact that she's enjoying her evening, it's the fact that the woman claimed she would be as much help as possible for us for our wedding since we had our little one, but not only does she not suggest for us all to have dinner together or perhaps come over to the house and see what we may or may not need help with for the big day, she hints at her son instead leaving his daughter and fiancé to go over and spend time with them...Am I not right to get a little furious at the situation and also at my hubby in that moment because he knows and see's what still has not been done and that I've been dead tired from the week as it is! I was literally updating him daily and showing him the things as I completed them, so it’s not like he wasn’t in the know! So when I tell him that, he has the audacity to answer me, "so I can't even see my family now? What do you need help with? You said I can't load the stuff into the truck because you aren't done..." Then when I proceeded to ask him about our daughter and getting her ready for bed, he nonchalantly mentions that our daughter didn't want to be put to sleep by him and that my mother had it covered. I remember at that moment I just snapped; I responded calmly letting him know to go ahead with his mom and brother because the wedding was off and I didn't give a damn about how much money was spent or placed where, because I knew my family could cover the cost for me...
Looking back, he was the one losing a lot if he hadn’t tried his hardest like he did to talk to me and "make it better". My parent's home and all the luxurious accommodations - I literally had begged my parents to let him stay in the guest bedroom so that it was a way for us to be “chaperoned” and him to create and nurture a relationship and bond with our daughter…by the time the conversation ended it was already 10pm. I felt like I couldn't breathe and I needed air. I'm going through the motions of still getting things ready for the wedding and he has no problem just saying good night and going to the guest bedroom. I held in tears and told my family that I needed to drive to clear my head and that I just needed to drive...I didn't owe my husband an explanation, so I left but made sure to text the family when the garage closed. It was already late so I figured to drive on the “safer routes” for a longer distance so I could drive with my calm music. I ended up taking highway 75 southbound into Dallas, to then get on 635 going westbound to take the express lanes of an area I knew was well lit and secure enough for my drive; the irony was I was praying and driving to clear my mind while thinking of this so called “safer route” since I didn’t want anything to happen to me as I had mt little one at home counting on me.
During this year (and still the case now) there were a lot of reported car accidents with wrong way drivers, drunk drivers, and those on their phones so yes, I was still trying to be cautious. Not even two miles into the drive on 635 when there’s apparently something wrong with a vehicle and two cop cars are assisting. This next portion I still have yet to tell ANYONE about...a mile after passing that cop scene I'm driving along and minding my own business when these two drunk idiots in a black Dodge Challenger decide to get my attention by honking and then proceeding to try and side swipe my vehicle (twice) one time by accident since they were swerving onto my lane and then the second time on purpose because they were wanting my attention. Scared the crap out of me and I broke hard letting them pass as their stupid smug laughs sped away...I got off at the nearest exit and locked on to my route home ASAP. I didn't think of my husband, it was my daughter I wanted to see and touch after that...
When I arrived back home, I saw that my husband was still awake, so my resolution hit me. I walked into the guest room and asked him a question; after a good amount of back and forth responses between him and I, I said fine I wouldn't' call off the wedding but that HE needed to tell his mother that I needed her at the house early the next day to talk and to help with last minute things for the wedding. Both were true statements and I wanted to get all these indifferent thoughts out of the way and out in the open as well as yes have her actually help. The Friday before our wedding was when she was to arrive around 9am and help; knowing we would have to take two vehicles for the last minutes errands and tasks, I made sure my sister and mom knew that they wouldn't be riding with me and my little one, since my husband's mother would be in the vehicle with me. She arrived on time and proceeded to talk; first about how glad she was my husband had texted her to inform her and that she was happy to help in any way. To be honest she didn't help at all and was more of a nuisance than an aide-ok I lied, she helped us wrap and finish one big box of the gifts to be at our gift table at the reception; because it was about looking for a belt and suspenders for her youngest son, then she last minute bought my daughter a dress for the rehearsal at the church, and then asked me about where to get her hair done then left because she needed to get ready for the rehearsal we would be having at the church later.
Supposedly, the air was cleared for us as we would always be up front and direct with each other, that she was so happy her son had found someone like me, that she had prayed for years for someone like me, then proceeded to tell me about what her boyfriend was doing wrong with his sons and the problems she was having in correcting/teaching his sons...all I wanted to make clear was that I was always going to be direct, blunt, and confrontational-if that created a moment or moments of indifference or at odds or especially a conflict so be it. And yes, you guessed it, I had A LOT Of help from that woman (that's sarcasm by the way). Well, I had to finish what I could because time was wasted taking her to another store for her youngest son’s things for the wedding...I scrambled to get ready, then get my little one ready, and still make it to rehearsal in Downtown Dallas. Oh, but my husband made sure that rental cars were taken care of and provided for his family (why I still don't understand because that's money we could have saved, but whatever, it's his day too and he wanted to-is what I thought).
Well, I'm late for my own rehearsal and though I have a reason to be I'm peeved and starving! I realized then and there at rehearsal that photos of the big day! I take the time to ask my uncle if he can be the photographer at the wedding. Yup that's right, to save cost further I didn't have a professional photographer, instead I asked my uncle who wasn't a formerly part of the ceremony of the wedding but still important; he was nice enough to say sure and looking back at my photos today, I still love a lot of the ones he took! So, we move through the motions of the rehearsal and then it's about the rehearsal dinner...
My family was still trying and nice
enough to ask me and my sister even said she could try to work something if I wanted
to, my response was no because there was no way in hell, I was going to make my
family pay for everyone AND I didn’t feel like giving ungrateful people a handout.
Call me mean, a bitch, or whatever adjectives you may have but I was just done
for. My own fiancé didn’t even try to plan or create something in advance.
Though he quickly scrambled for one after his mother whispered something to him
once rehearsal was over. So the rehearsal was more for his family’s free meal
and my family’s giving the illusion that it was a semi normal traditional
wedding that my side of the family is used to...by the time we got to the shops
of Legacy at Bob’s Steakhouse I was exhausted and I knew that with the wedding
day the following day my little one needed her rest and comfort. I wasn’t going
to pretend to enjoy something when I knew she needed her bath and bedtime,
since he obviously wasn’t looking at the time. I also hadn’t finished things
for the wedding and reception, and I needed to finish that at home as well...the
rehearsal was an ordeal as well because my husband forced me to have his mother
be a participant at the wedding. Considering she has no self-respect, no
respect for religion and faith life, and likes to dress as if she’s in her 20s
all over again and pretends to do things just so she can appear to look good to
the eyes watching her. I was purposeful and intentional on the individuals that
were to be a part of the Wedding Mass and I even took the time to explain
everything to him, I was worried about what she would wear as she was going to
be reading scripture…so yes I was just done and there was the fact that I
wanted rest. I’m sorry but NO bride should have puffy eyes from either crying
OR lack of sleep! And I’m not talking lack of sleep due to excitement or
wedding jitters NOPE my situation was different and because the bride to be is
working her own wedding...
Where was my family, you might wonder or ask? Oh, believe me they were there and every step of the way, ready to catch me and assist and lend a hand BUT individuals in the relationship itself before the marriage had to own up and grow a pair while also ensuring that the tone going into the wedding and marriage life is the right tone; through thick and thin, sickness and health, and working TOGETHER…
It sounds weird and even feels weird writing it but I lost nothing, well except anger at him, but gained so much more because of journey God allowed…all the signs were there and I decided to ignore them thinking that I was doing right by new family that was the man who gave me a baby and more importantly my daughter. I’m more blessed now than I was before, that’s for sure!
Sincerely,
A Distinct Woman
No comments:
Post a Comment