My mother tells me not to use the word "hate" to demonstrate my education and say instead "I strongly dislike"...only probably with that is I feel, it doesn't express exactly how I'm feeling, almost as if I'm censoring it therefore you will see me use "hate". So here we go, the start of some fruits for thoughts!
I hate when individuals who don't have children/have never had kids from infancy to toddler years/never been around young children make statements such as "I'm waiting until I do everything I want to enjoy in life before having kids" or "kids don't leave you time to do anything else at home or with your significant other/spouse." There's also the single individuals who say something like "that's why I'm never having kids because they suck so much of your time so you don't have time for much else" or "that's why I don't have kids because then I wouldn't have enough time for myself" or my favorite one "kids are so complicated and are just too much work, I would rather have a dog." I will be taking the time to break down in response to each of the statements in a numbered fashion. I don't write any of the following to be insulting or to be informally/inconspicuously answering someone who has made the comments to me specifically-just throwing my sentiment out to the world is all.
1)"I'm waiting until I do everything I want to enjoy in life before having kids" - I feel like this one can be tricky and almost a double edged sword. For starters, I commend anyone who wants to accomplish their goals and ambitions in life (lets face it, kids are expensive and you need money to be able to have one) so kudos to you if you're thinking rationally and realistically especially to being a little better off financially; commendable I assure you. However, it's a little warped in thinking-why do I say that you make ask; due to the following. Let's say you everything right in your timeline from after your senior year graduation (or acquiring your GED) then you hit the college years hard. When I say "hit the college years hard" I don't been at frat houses and sorority parties, I'm talking all you do is academics and graduation on time or even early. You may/may not be lined up for your career path but you're getting that taken care of. Perhaps you meet the love of your life after graduation or during the start of your successful career path, is a family something you're willing to negotiate to have earlier instead of later? I ask that openly because whether people realize or not, the age in which you have your kid/s does play a part in how you enjoy yours kid/s. It doesn't matter how healthy/fit/active a person is your overall energy level before kids you'll quickly find is VERY different post children entering into the world, so whether people notice, if you have kids between 35-40 you may not be as energetic and as patient with your kids (no matter how much you love them) as you may have been when you were younger (because you basically had boat loads of energy to spare!) Please don't misconstrue my age statement being that a person shouldn't have kids after 35 or even after 40, wrong! I have a firm belief that if the universe, Mother Nature, God, etc wants a person to have a child then they will have a child and old age will not be a factor-everything will happen for a reason. Squirrel moment! Everything happening for a reason naturally doesn't mean that you've had a baby created in a lab, dish, or by injection. So when I hear a woman of 40 or 42 whaling because she hasn't had kids - she has the ability to adopt without concern for her health and the universe, Mother Nature, God, etc has decided she will not procreate for the expansion of the human lineage of that DNA/family lineage. I digress and return back to the main point of this numbered item. Or let's say you haven't met the love of your life yet and your way behind in your career goals and life ambitions? Would you just right off having a family altogether or perhaps have no problem having your family until your older than even you're anticipated? Would you be able to or at least open minded about amending your "family planning" timing if you are further along in your goals and ambitions so that you can enjoy your family as well?
I had a "Life Plan" when I was in high school but that was nothing like how things turned out in life. Granted it was due to my life choices but I wouldn't go back and change anything!...I will personally admit that I was not prepared for the news of motherhood, but I have to say because of my concentration on all my goals and ambitions as well as enjoying my life, I did everything I needed to do in life before the birth of my first child. I will say there are still many things I WANT TO DO, but just because I have kids doesn't mean I can't still to them. Some I will be able to enjoy now with my kids if I play my cards right and others I can still do when they get older. So if someone puts into their head such negativity than that's exactly the type of negativity someone will interpret from a statement like this or worse, because you feel such negativity your kids (trust me) will "feel" that negativity from you as well...guess this paragraph also ties into the next numbered statement.
2) "kids don't leave you time to do anything else at home or with your significant other/spouse." - Ok this one I feel if a person isn't the type of individual who is creative or a "go-getter" (meaning that they will persevere to get what they want or to accomplish a task) then this statement will begin to ring true in your marriage/relationship with your significant other and it's NOT the kid/s fault. You look at older generational couples who had kids or a multitude of kids and they wouldn't have even had this thought because of their upbringing and the time periods; I think (also noticed through observation) that some newer aged couples have the right idea regarding having kids and still having that "spark" in their married lives. Whether it's your's first child or your sixth child, you should and always can dedicate time back to your spouse/significant other. Unless you completely out in the boonies and have literally no living relative within the vicinity or perhaps even in the same state, then yes I can believe and understand the predicament in trying to put time back into being a couple; otherwise nothing is impossible. I commend the couples who are dedicated to each other if not more, after having kids. I mean kids are important and they come first (at least until they're out of your house) but if couples don't continue to explore each other even as kids are growing than I feel that it may be harder for them to interact again by themselves when they are empty nesters. That was one thing I appreciated from my ex-husband (even if done more for selfish reasons or gains on his part), he may have not put our kids and I first but he tried a few times to coordinate "date nights" with my sister and mom - so that they would take care of my oldest while him and I went out; too bad that was also pretty short lived but that's a moot point. If you notice I didn't say that it wouldn't take some effort to extra time/energy on the couples part to make things work after having kids and during their lifespan but hey that's kind of the given when you have a kid.
On a side note, unless someone has twins or more than twins I can't comprehend or understand when anyone (especially a mom, since I am - been there and done that) states that they don't have time to get anything done at home or that they don't have time for anything. Granted I know that every child is different BUT how you treat your pregnancy is how your child/children will be when they pop out. That's another post for another day...anyway! Take away the month or two that someone helps/assists you, you'll have adapted or hopefully created a schedule - this is especially for you moms - where you have gaged how your childs days and nights will be like. So you can either be creative with your "me" time or the time you want to dedicate for yourself. What I mean about creative can be explained better with my own testimony of what I did. My oldest was great at her naps (actually both my kids were) so I knew that I could either do a good chore that I knew would take me time to complete, or perhaps finally take that longer shower (since I would have the baby monitor screen next to my shower stall, OR even better I would catch up on some much needed snooze time. So with every nap I would alternate one of the three things I mentioned above, therefore wouldn't feel overwhelmed and on the contrary would feel accomplished even while taking care of my kiddos! Ok you nay sayers or anyone who had a baby/child who is attached to your chest/hip/arms and you feel you can't get anything done! The creativity there is through another personal testimony of what I used to do with my youngest. Was more needy for kangaroo time with anyone so leaving my youngest down for naps during the day was harder for me the second go round (granted the nights were still rocking awesome like her sibling before her) the days were a little different. I did a lot of research on specific body straps and finally found one I liked for both her AND I (cause it's not always about the baby features specifically but how the items use will also assist you as the parent and the body that's carrying the stress/load). Bought one on Amazon and gave it a whirl; had secure and great straps with a superb back support for the weight while having the holding straps and cradled area for the baby snug, safe, all while having the cushion to alleviate the pressure and circulation for the little baby legs. I know it's a lot of explanation and probably not the best description for a visual, but don't worry on another post I'm going to write about that awesome buy! Moving on-so finally seeing its use with my youngest I was finally able to do anything while she napped, even vacuuming/mopping/sweeping among the chores.
In hindsight, I followed suit with my youngest the same things that I would do with my oldest. You see I would (and still do) incorporate my oldest to be involved (whether directly or indirectly) with anything I was doing and especially chores (whether outside or inside). For example, when I was in the kitchen my oldest would help me prep while the youngest being in the highchair, had toys to entertain or nibble on while having the best vantage point of my oldest and I so that her intelligent and absorbing eyes would absorb what was going on. Now both of them being older are so cute because they'll offer to help with little things here and there that they've seen me do or have helped me do. The point is to submerge them in their surroundings and daily homelife and they'll become smiley confidant little beings! I can attest to this because this is one of my favorite moments in the picture; my father was working on his vehicle while I was checking on the dogs and wanting to get a walk in so I thought to take my daughter outside with me. She thought she was helping my father when she grabbed a tool-we let her tinker with it for a little bit then I wiped her hands clean and let her explore the garage and saw how far she would try to test her little boundaries.
I won't lie to any newbie parent and say it's easy, but oh how bittersweet your days are and the feeling you have when you witness your little one/s growth...So parents unless you've exhausted all methods and even brain cells I suggest you DO NOT give off bad or complicated vibes towards others who may want kinds or in general to the general public because it's really unjust towards your offspring :p
3) "that's why I'm never having kids because they suck so much of your time so you don't have time for much else" or "that's why I don't have kids because then I wouldn't have enough time for myself" - I write about this particular statement here but when faced with someone who says this out loud to me or in front of me I just smile and shrug with a response of my own saying, "hey to each their own, not everyone is cut out to have kids, heck some people in this world really shouldn't have kids." I mean what's the point in any further dialogue with a person like this?...either that's their true thought because they internally feel they wouldn't fit the mold as a parent from beginning to end (meaning whether its their biological child/ren or perhaps from a previous relationship and they are just accepting of their new partners kid/s) OR and I truly think this is the main reason almost 98% of the time, they're individuals who have not matured enough/not mature at all to realize the compromising nature of any relationship whether romantic/familial and that extends to your offspring/next of kin. Compromising doesn't stop when you meet you significant other it continues ten fold when you have kids.
SO to bring this all to a close...I feel that in order to have kids its not just a calling and vocation (for the religious believers) but a person or the couple must have a need, desire, passion, and wanting (for all the non-religious individuals) to successfully go through the motions and the daily life choice of being a parent. Parenting is also like the vows you take in matrimony, through sickness and in health, through the thick and the thin, and through the strongest of waves/obstacles you have to always be involved 200% not 90% or 50% but 200%! I say 200% because you need to stay ahead of the curve in everything your child does and in their development otherwise you're in for some shockers along the way. Correction, you're always going to have some shocker moments with your child/children it's just a matter of how your recover and keep pushing forward. It's the most important career choice you'll ever do in your entire lifetime.
Sincerely,
A Distinct Woman
